Ordinary Miracle

Kiddo has been really into "Charlotte's web" lately (I think it's helping her understand the dying process). The message has really been making me think about how amazing and what a miracle life. There are so many miracles that happen every day that we over look.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER (By Erma Bombeck)
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet were stained and the sofa faded. I would
have eaten the popcorn in the GOOD living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone
wanted to light a fire in the fireplace. I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about
his youth. I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up! on a summer day because my hair
had just been teased and sprayed. I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it
melted in storage. I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains. I
would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life. I would have
gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding patter if I weren’t
there for the day. I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil or
was guaranteed to last a lifetime. Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished
every moment realizing that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God
in a miracle. When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later, now go get washed
up for dinner.” There would have been more “I Love You’s” and more “I’m sorry’s” but mostly, given
another shot at life, I would seize every minute ….. Look at it and really see it… live it. And never give it
back.

The last few weeks have been life changing. Im ready to move forward in life and make the most of every day. I want my final thought in life to be what an amazing ride, and I wouldn't change a thing. Life is so precious, but yet we waste it evey day. We get caught up in day to day life that we forget just how amazing being alive is. What a miracle it is even to be alive.

"Hey mom"

So my step-son is a huge joker, he's always playing pranks. Well one of his favorite things to do lately is call me mom in public. It's very clear im not old enough to be his mom. He looks older then me lol. This has got me some very weird looks from people when he does this.
The first time was in the school office. Caught me way off guard and I ended up making myself look dumb trying to explain things. Im not even 10 years old then him @@ Lucky for me the people in the office saw some humor in it. Unlike the Football Booster moms. Wow what a tough crowd!
I have 0 incommon with these women. Most of them are in their 40s, and here Iam a 26 year old step-mom. Im sure gold digger and homewrecker have been used when talking about me. This is the only time our age difference has come up.
So far all the kids friends parents i've met have been nice and very welcoming. So thats a plus. I guess i shouldnt even let this get to me. We're happy and the gap in age truly never comes up between us. Gotta love judgmental soccer moms.

Been awhile

Wow it's been awhile since i've updated. Life got a bit out of hand there for a moment. Feels good to be back home and into the flow of things again. So heres my crazy long update lol.

Pregnancy- Babywise things are going good. So far this pregnancy is a lot like Kiddos, which kinda scares me. Im getting crazy bad heartburn, always feeling sick, tired, emotions are all out of whack. The only thing different is im always hungry this time. I need to talk to my doctor about getting on some meds or something. I don't want to deal with depression this time. Im seeing a midwife, and as of right now im going to try for a water birth in a birthing center. Im very excited about that. Im very commited to atleast going natural this time, so we're trying to prepare for that. Im going to pilates every weekday morning, reading up on natural child birth and trying to mentally prepare. Yeah its really early, but its hard to turn down the promise of relief when your in the moment.
We're undecided if we're going to find out the sex. We have 14ish weeks before we can, but we keep going back and forth. On one hand I don't want to know. I want to find out after birth. But on the other it would be nice to plan before he/she arrives.

Kiddo- Doing wonderful. All tests came back normal and we can't find anything wrong with her. Their thinking it was stress, but we have to keep an eye on things. Should her bowel issue come back we're going to have to go forward with invaseive tests :( She getting the best care possible now, so I feel better just waiting and seeing.
She loves school. Has a group of friends, all boys @@. One of the boys she calls her bestfriend and their joined at the hip. Its really cute. They've even talked on the phone lol. He's 4, older man. Kinda nerdy kid, but a cutie. The teacher said Kiddo is very well liked, a friend to everyone, and a helper :) She also said she's very fair and good at sharing, which amazes me. Paying attention isn't a strong point of hers and talking has been a bit of a problem.

Hubby- Doing great as well. We've found some land that we're about to put an offer on and he's all excited about that. We're going to build our own house. Pretty much just us, family, and some help from his workers. We're trying to draw up some plans now. It's hard when you have a blank slate to do whatever. We get way out of hand and end up with a billion different rooms lol. But anyway, he's good. He's been extra romantic lately and im loving it. He comes home everyday at lunch :)

We had a death in the family (an uncle on my moms side). I was life changing watching that process. Made me want to do more to help people. Which brings me to work. I really dislike where I work and im positive I don't want to work in a spa. I'd like to get into medical massage or pre-natal/infant. I'll stick out the time I commited to, but after that im done.
I was so blown away with Hospice, that I think I may want to work with them.

Baby daddy and my friend are still together. Im fine with it now, I think she may be good for him. It's not who i'd pick for her, but whatever makes them happy.

Im really tired so i'll finish updating later.

Hard day

Today has been a very hard day. So we got to the hotel late last night and pretty much went to bed right away. We woke up this morning, ordered room service, got ready for the day and over to the hospital. You would of thought we were royality or something by the greeting they gave us. A bunch of doctors met us in the lobby, we got a tour and then settled into a room. They grew a ton of blood and checked her out. We went over everything that could be wrong, what they would test for first and what not. They majorly hooked us up in the hospital room. We had a PS3, large flat screen tv, a mini fridge stocked with drinks and snack, dvd player (they have a movie rental area for the kids), tons of board games, and a doll house. It was like hanging out at the toy store all day! I also went on a more detailed tour then everyone else and was able to ask questions and what not.
Two things really touched my heart today and has made me want to get back into volunteering. 1- We went by the preemie area and it just about broke my heart. I've toured it before but this was the first time as a parent. 2- This has given me an idea for what type of volunteer work i'd like to do. I was on the tour and passing a room. Normally I don't look in rooms, anyone who has stayed over in a hospital and made to leave the door open will understand. Anyway I noticed a young boy sitting in the door way for a room (which is what caught my eye and got me to look in the room), playing with a toy car. I saw what I assume was his sibbling sitting up in a bed and his parents, a doctor and nurse all basically in a circle around the bed talking. While I left horrible for the sick child, I felt just as bad for the little boy playing with the car. I was able to relate to him.
So what I'd like to do is start a sibbling program or something for the sibblings of the sick kids. The Doctor I was speaking with loves my idea and we're going to try and figure something out. It would be amazing to have a program that I thought of come to life.
So far so good on kiddos tests. No real answers as of now, but very few results came back today. I have so much more to write, but im tired.

WOW!

Geez this past week has been insane! Sooooo much happened that I don't even know where to start. I guess i'll start with the good. The older kids start school tomorrow (very excited). We didnt get to go clothes shopping yet, but we hope to next weekend. The reason we didn't go shopping is because my ex needed to come and pick up his stuff on Friday, and Kiddo needs to have some tests done in Indy tomorrow.
We're still in NC because I decided to get a home inspection done before I got an offer because if somethings going to come up I want to know about it now rather then later. Nothing major has come up, well nothing major that we didn't expect. The chimney is shot and if someone wants to use it, it would need to be fix. But the inspector said he sees roughly 80% of chimneys like that now since people don't really use them anymore. Of course home owners insurance doesn't cover that. I told greg to tie a metal pole to the top and pray for lightning since lightning damage is covered. LOL of course i'd never do that.
We got a super faint line on a home pregnancy test on Saturday, and a bit darker one today. Not by much, but a line is a line right?! Im trying not to get my hopes up but im 99% positive im pregnant. We wont start telling people until a doctor confirms it and that its a healthy pregnancy. All I want to do is call every single person I know and tell them lol. Im sooooo not a good happy secret keeper. I think Greg and I are both in shock.
Things are still amazing between us. It's crazy how well we get along. I feel like i've matured so much in the past few months. He makes me want to be a better person, and I love that. Even though life is a bit crazy right now I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have so much to be happy for and God has really blessed me so much more then I ever knew. I'm trying to work on my faults, which I think is going well, and it's making me into a much better person.
I feel like im a much better mom, and now with family in my life parenting is so much more enjoyable. I love having someone to share my days with, to help me out at bath time, to tell what cute new thing kiddo did, to let me rest when I need it and mostly to be a REAL father to my child. The good days are finally starting to out number the bad and im moving on from the old me :)

"Life isn't waiting for the storm to pass..It's about learning to dance in the rain"

Like a dream

Life has been almost perfect lately. I never knew being this happy was even possible. I feel like for the first time everything fits and is right. Im where I should be, and im with the person Im meant to be with. Every moment I spend with him just makes me even more sure of that. I feel like im finally at the end of the tunnel and standing in the light. It's an awesome feeling.
We left for vacation on Monday and drove to OH. Had a blast doing Amish stuff, which is kinda funny that we drove to OH to do that when we could drive 20 minutes and do that in IN. Went to the spa, ate tons of food, and just hung out as a family.
After that was my MIL's party, which was amazing as well. I think there were 60ish people there and everyone just let loose and had a ball. Kiddo ended up singing a few songs to her, and pretty much danced nonstop the whole night. lol it was cute.
For the record Iam NOT pregnant. I was really let down at first which is why i didn't want to talk about it. Im still let down, but it will happen when it happens. I was so positive I was, because I mean how many times have I got pregnant by mistake. I felt like if I could get pregnant by a one night stand I should for sure get pregnant right away when I try. Thats the only thing that could make life better right now, everything else is perfect. Everyone and their mother seems to be pregnant right now. I found out within 24 hours that 2 different friends were pregnant, I have a cousin about ready to pop, and I have countless other friends expecting. AND all bu 1 person is expecting their 2nd or 3rd child. Im kinda the odd one out with 1.
Its insane how much I want to be pregnant right now. I've always wanted kids, but after having my daughter I wasn't sure if I wanted another. But these last few months i've had a really strong urge for another, and then I met Greg. Its so much more then an urge now. I think about it non-stop. I could really see us having 3 or 4together, something I never would of dreamed about wanting just 6 months ago.
I can't believe how much life has changed since may/june to now. Im still sad over everything, and there are days it really gets me down. But now I have someone to lean on, on those days which makes them less painful. I truly feel blessed.
We still haven't decided about a large wedding or not. It's so much to plan and we have so much going on already. The timing doesn't feel right, but we havent 100% ruled it out yet. My Grandparents have offered to let us use their hotel (which is very close to where we live), and anything that the hotel provides is our for no charge! How awesome is that! My Grandparents are nothing short of amazing. They've been nothing but giving and helpful to us. My grandpa is in love with Greg. He's known him for many years and I guess always thought very highly of him.
Well it's time to get out of bed and start the day :)

Cleaning spree

I have been cleaning for almost 9 hours! I washed all the windows, all the dishes, have most of the laundry done, basically scrubbed almost every room from top to bottom. I still need to pack and finish 2 more rooms. But on the bright side I learned I underestimate my daughter. I had no idea you could teach a 3 year old to vaccum! Sure enough Greg did. Being that he's an ex Marine he's very into everyone pulling their own weight and helping around the house. So kiddo now had a list of chores. Strip her bed when the sheets need to be washed, she puts all dirty laundry down the chute, vaccum her room, and sort and put all her pjs,underware, and socks away.
Im really excited to go, it's going to be a blast. I think we'll go to IN after that. My house should be ready to be put on the market tonight :)

We know

We know the answer to if we're pregnant or not, but we're not saying anything as of right now. Nothing is wrong or anything, I just should of kept testing to myself.

We leave Monday for our trip. Should be a blast! We go Tuesday to the spa right after breakfast, for 5 hours worth of spa treatments. We'll have a break for lunch somewhere in there, so we'll spend a full day there. After that we're going out for a nice diner (just us) and then back to a kid free cottage we rented. Im sure we'll have breakfast in bed the next morning, before getting 1 more massage and then picking up the kids. It's going to be amazing!
We're also thinking about booking a cruise for this fall. I keep meaning to go (I enjoy cruising), but never set on a date. Now with Greg he's as into traveling as Iam (my ex was not). With my ex on the rare chance he'd agree to go anywhere we always had a horrible time when we were there. I dreaded going anywhere with him. If we drove and there was traffic or some driver that was going in the fast lane it would ruin his mood for the rest of the day. And if we flew and there was a delay, they didn't put our seats together, long lines, basically anything that would ruin his mood as well. I couldnt win.
But with Greg he's just like where have you always wanted to go and lets go. As long as work isn't an issue he's up for leaving at the drop of a hat. Which i love, because im very much like that. His kids have been all over, their very well traveled, which makes me super excited for kiddo and any other kids we have.
Im working like mad to get the house spotless before we leave. Im so far behind on laundry it isnt funny. I really need help once we move everyone in together. For some reason keeping up with laundry has never been a strong point for me. But for the first time in months I cleaned everything out of the pantry, fridge and freezer. Im normally good about keeping up with it, I just havent lately. I got 2 huge trash bags of stuff out. Talk about nasty! But now I have almost no food, and im leaving on vacation for a few days lol. I hate being out of food right before vacation.

Maybe baby?

AF is due today and so far theres no sign of her! Im not testing until Greg gets here, but that should only be a few more hours :) I don't have any clear "signs" one way or the other. Im tired, and moody, which is normal for both pregnancy and PMS. I have a strong feeling its either going to be this month or take forever. I had that same feeling with my daughter. I thought i'd either have her early and she'd be more then willing to come out or I would go way overdue and she'd be a nightmare. I ended up being right (she came early) and guessed her weight perfectly (pounds and ounces). But im trying not to get my hopes up for it happening so soon, i'll be let down if it doesn't work out. Since I've been charting I think I have a good idea when I ovulate, so I should be able to get a BFP or BFN.
We've been thinking about names a little bit. I know its way early, but whatever. For a girl we know the middle name will either be Ann or Grace. Ann was my mothers middle name, and part of another family members name. Grace doesn't have much meaning, we both like the way it sounds.
Isabella or Isabelle, Emma, Mckenzie are the first names we like. I love love love love the name Emma Grace, so that's what im pulling for. My step-daughter is of course pulling for Isabella (so we can nick name her Bella lol). I do really like the name, but i'd imagine theres going to be a ton of Isabella's in the next kids age group. I've always like Mckenzie, I even thought about naming my daughter that. My parents hated the name, and when I saw my daughter for the first time I knew she wasn't a Mckenzie. Her name fits her perfectly. Greg likes them all. Kiddo likes the name Caylee, but Gregs kids are both C names and anything after 2 same letter names it becomes a bit duggarish. We could spell it with a K but I dunno.
We were going to go on vacation this weekend (finally found someone who likes vacationing as much as I do). But after a few people told me the place we wanted to go was nasty, we decided not to. It worked out because theres a family get together at his grandparents house in Millersburg, OH next week. So we'll be going to that. It's a huge Amish area, and he even has some Amish family. So should be a great time with them. Im sure there will be tons of kids kiddos age, tons of great food, lots of bon fires, music. We're staying at a hotel that has a spa, and i've found out gregs surprising me with a spa day, and full 24 hours kid free! I think because we never can be alone it makes me want him more then if we were alone. So im very excited for this.
Kidoo is now signed up for T-ball, gymnastics (at my first gym, im very excited about that), tap class, and swimming. She wants to do an arts and crafts class, violin, and choir but I think thats a bit much for a 3 and a half year old. T-ball doesn't run for very long because it's not really a team or anything, but teaching the basics. She does very well at gymnastics, and really enjoys it. I was super active in it growing up and am a bit bitter by some of it, but I always loved this gym and know they have good kids programs. She was taking ballet but that just wasn't her, so she's taking tap now. She loves it. And swimming because we feel its needed. We may have a pool or be near water in our next house so it's important she knows how to swim really well.
She's also signed up for pre-school. Going to the one I went to :) She starts in about a month!

Sleeping child

I love the rare days kiddo takes a nap. I have so much house work to get done, but instead im enjoying this rare chance to sit and be alone with a quite house. It's wonderful. Im looking forward to kiddo starting pre-school (which I had no idea is not the same as pre-K), A few hours a day all to my self :) I don't even know what to do with all that time! Well thats if we dont have another by then, then I guess i'd get no time lol.

Renting VS buying

Man there are sometime when renting forever seems like the best idea! It would be so much easier when something breaks to just call a landlord and let them deal with it. A drain was backed p in the house, and of course it chooses to crap out as 2 people are taking showers. It flooded my half bath and laundry room! Im pissed.

Nothing of importance

Okay okay so I know this blog is MY safe place and somewhere I should be 100% truthfull. We are not legally married. We have exchanged vows and do plan on making it legal but legally we are not married. :( We exchanged very personal vows and got each others names tattoed on us. I consider us married.
We will be having a large wedding at some point. We've thought about this fall but it's just to soon I think. As in not enough time to plan. We're still talking it over and need to make up our minds quickly if we're going to go for it or not.
On one hand i'd like to because I'd like for him to adopt kiddo, who knows if i'd be insanely pregnant next year, and im ready to make it legal. But on the other it's going to be so rushed, I want a huge massive wedding and I dont know it it can be pulled off in a few months, and Id like to lose weight.

I was watching http://www.youtube.com/user/TheKheinz and by the end I was sobbing my eyes out. I thought it was so sweet and such a neat way of making the wedding their own. I'd never have the guts to do something like that, but I thouhgt it was way neat and made me think about stepping out of the box. Im totally weird but i've never wanted a huge "fairy tale" wedding. Until now. Not so much a wedding, because in my eyes we're married, but just a huge party. I think its a huge feat we've found each other, and that should be celebrated! I want everyone to come and celebrate our love :) Dorky I know, but thats how I feel.
Im done doing things the way others feel they should be done. You have one life and should celebrate everything as much as possible. This is totally new to me.
Things are far from perfect, and im struggling a bit right now but im still going to keep my head up and try my best to not let life get me down.

Today has just been an off day. I know everyday can't be wonderful and perfect, thats just the way the world works. But it sucks when I can't shake these feelings. I feel horrible for Greg because he has been nothing but wonderful during my crazy moods. Im trying so hard to get over this but it just keeps coming back. I guess im just not trying enough. I have so many great things to be happy over yet I wont let go of the bad.
I guess I was a bit crazy for thinking all of this would go away so soon. But my heart is so broken. It's been horrible the last few days, I feel like an emotional nutcase. One minute everything is wonderful and I don't feel like life could get any better, then it feels like i've been hit by a truck and everything is craving in. And for no real reason. Ugh I think its just getting close to that time of the month.

Well this sucks

Im about to be caught in a lie, And I dont know if I should tell the person I lied to or just hope it never gets back to them. Its sort of a big lie and would really piss off the person I lied to. It's not really something I can keep forever and really should of been truthful from the start.

Off

God I hope im pregnant, and the way im feeling is because of that and nothing else. I feel really off lately. Not sure even how I would describe it. Lots of headaches, heartburn, dizziness, tired all the time, almost a drugged feeling. It very well could be all this traveling catching up to me. Whatever it is I don't like it. It kinda sounds like being pregnant, besides the whole feeling like being drugged. If I am pregnant, i've never felt that before (while sober). But its very possible I caught something and just feeling that.
Today I didnt get much done :( I just pretty much relaxed all day and slept. Greg and the kids have to go back to IN in a few days, while kiddo and I stay here to finish things up. Im very sad about being away from him for a few days, I dont like the idea at all.

Not as pissed

Im not as pissed today (or atleast trying not to be). It's not them being together that bothers me, it's that they lied about it for quite a long time. This has been going on since April! AND plus I KNOW for a fact he's cheated on her. So how in the world do I handle that? I mean it would look like im lying since I was pissed off and not okay with it. But she's also a friend and I dont want to see him hurt her. A few days after they started dating BD, A bunch of my guy cousins, kiddo and I all went camping at a campground. We had a motorhome and 3 or 4 tents. Anyways one of my cousins and BD picked up some girls they met a few hours earlier and hooked up with them. It's not hard to hear when someones being loud in a tent. I know no protection was used either. So I mean it's really almost a safety issue to tell her because he's nasty. I've also heard from him about hooking up with random chicks here and there. So do I rat him out? Talk to him about it? Never say a word? I don't know what to do.
Greg has been super supportive with it. It's nice to be able to not have any secrets with someone. He just listens and doesn't judge.

Stabbed in the back!

I'm truly unable to put into words how I feel right now. I found out 2 people Im very close with are dating each other. The girl is someone that over the last few weeks has went from a friend to a best friend. She's helped me out so much. AND the guy is my child father. Hello!!! Girl rule, you don't date your friends boyfriends,Exs, or baby daddy!! Even more so if that baby daddy had cost you $$$ in court costs just to be a dick, or not help out/ parent his child at all. You don't date yours friends dead beat baby daddy.
Why in the world would you think I think its okay. Dating him doesn't make you my kids step-mom, even more so when he has NO RIGHTS to his child. AND to think you have any input in MY life! Yeah I don't think so. If these were any other friends i'd be more then happy for them. I feel childish for feeling how I do, but it really bugs me. They only know each other through me.
On a positive note Greg and I have talked about him adopting my daughter :) Im all for it.

Home sweet home...Kinda.

So we're back in NC (yay). Everyone came back here because Greg is going to help me out on the house. He's been working non stop since we got here. Mainly little things like putting up a railing (which was way harder then I thought), hanging curtain rods, and making me a gate for the deck. I've been cleaning like crazy, and putting stuff away. Theres a few boxes that need to go to storage, and some trash that needs to be taken out, but other then that things are pretty much in order. The kids really like the house. Cassie pretty much lives in my closet and plays with all my bags and my pre-kiddo clothes. I think she's really excited to have me to back to school shop with, instead of her dad. I think her, Aubrey, and I might take an all girls trip over to Chicago before school. Greg and Cody do a father son camping trip every year right before school so it would be neat to have something like that for the girls.
I think we're pretty sure we're going to build a house. We have our eye on some land that we're dying to go and check out. 20 acres! That would give us a ton of room. I also think we're going to draw up our home plans ourself. Greg knows how to do that, so this will truly be OUR home. I have a good idea of what I want and Greg seems to like all my ideas so far. I'd really like a wrap around porch, upstairs laundry, pantry in the kitchen, large but well laid out kitchen, lots of storage room. I'd also love to have a huge garden. The only thing we disagree on is a pool. He wants one and I don't. I think because we can only use it a few months of the year that it's a waste of money, and I worry with small kids about safety. But he thinks it would be good for the kids and keep them at our house over the summer instead of somewhere else. Which is a good point. Im sure i'll lose that fight lol.
I just hope both home sell quickly so we're able to get on with it. My house is ALMOST ready to be put on the market, just a few more cleaning things to do and get the wallpaper up in the bath (the wrong one was ordered). And thats about it. Should be on the market the day the wallpaper goes up. I think my house will show well, im pretty proud of how its turned out. Just wish it would of been done awhile ago so I got to enjoy it more. I greatly enjoy entertaining and this is a great house for it.

Lots O fun!

We are having the best time down here! I feel like im really bonding with his kids and their all bonding with mine. The weather has been hot, but we've pretty much been in the water all day every day. Kiddo has learned how to hold her breath (she learned in FL but she's doing much better now), and with a life jacket she can go snorkeling. We've been doing a ton of that. Greg and I sometimes get out and just lay on the beach while the kids play in the water. It's been awesome, I never want to leave lol.
We're pretty sure I can get out of my lease, if someone else is wanting to rent it. I only signed a 6 month lease, so if it came down to it it's not like we'd lose a ton of money. I just have to pay until someone else wants it. We'll make do at his house until both homes sell and we figure out what we're doing for the next house.
We're either going to-
1- Build. We would get more bang for our buck since he could do some on his own and get stuff at a better cost. The floor paln and location will be 100% what we want and new. But it would take forever.
2- Remodel. We'd most likely get something we could add on to or just fix up inside. We'd most likely live there while fixing it up and it would never 100% be what we want.
3- Spend a ton of money to get something already built and ready to move in after closing.

I'd like to build. Because then we'll be able to get our dream home and even tho it would take awhile to build in the end we'd most likely never move. That would be it, which I love that idea. The kids could have more say in their rooms and we could build a really awesome house. Like kids rooms, i'd like for them to all have lofts in them, plus their own bathrooms. I'd like all bedrooms to have their own bathrooms. I HATED sharing a bath room with my brothers growing up. If we arent able to do a bathroom for every bedroom i'd atleast like the different genders to have their own. I'd also like an in-law suite, which is basically like a studio apartment. For guests and what not. I'd like an arts and crafts room, and of course the hubby wants a "man cave" plus media room. Sounds like a ton, but Greg can do a ton of work himself, and owns a construction company. So a lot of things will basically be done at cost.
At the end of the day I don't really care where we live. We could live in a dumpster behind walmart for all I care. I just want to be with him.
My step-sons 17 b-day is coming up in a few weeks and he REALLY wants a car. He's very mature for his age and without a doubt could handle having one. He thinks he's putting down half for an old beater car that barely runs, and I think i've talked Greg into getting a newer better car. At some point he'll have kiddo in the car and i'd like not to have to worry about them breaking down or something. Plus the kid is a straight A student, that should be rewarded! It's so cute, he made friends with a girl his age on vacation here as well and they've been hanging out non stop.
My step daughter will most likely get my x5 when she learns to drive. It really worked out that I bought a van, I wouldnt have enough room in my x5 for 4+ kids.

For the record im not crazy.

Posted in LJ as well.

Soooo its been awhile since i've updated, so I guess i'll take the time now to do so. First and foremost, im Married :) Nope not crazy, just living life in the moment. Im happier then anyone can ever know, and feel this is 100% the right choice. I know it seems super crazy and fast, but we made the right choice. We both knew we'd end up marrying each other so whats the point in waiting?
I had a talk with my Grandma right before my divorce that really hit me. She said "it took me 60 years to figure out there are no rules in life, once I knew that my life truly started". She also said " What difference does it make to anyone else if the choices you make are wrong, and whos to say they were wrong in the first place". That talk really made me think about my life and what I want from it.
So what if me getting married turns out to be a bad choice in a year, today im happy and that all that matters. I get how crazy it seems to meet and marry someone within a month, but those who have felt what I do right now would understand. I've been through some horrible relationships, I know a good thing when I see it. Greg is my soulmate, the 1 person im meant to be with. And i've never been a believer of soulmates, so for me to say that takes a whole lot.
I feel like every single things i've ever done or been through has led me to him. I know my feelings will never change for him. I get why people are worried and shocked, but really theres no reason to be. Those who know me IRL have been able to see how happy Iam, and that its not a front like last time.
SO thats that :) We're married, happy, and ready to our life as a family. The kids are all doing great (im a step mom to teens, lol whoa), they seem very happy we're married. My step daughter, Cassie, is so excited to have a little sister. You would never know they were only step siblings, all the kids are such a blessing.
Yes we are very actively trying for a baby, fingers crossed it'll happen this cycle (wont know until the very end of this month or early next). I want nothing more then to have a little home out in the country and have a million babies with this man :) God willing we'd like to have atleast 3 or 4 together. So I hope I have some happy news at the end of this month.
We dont have the whole living situation figured out yet. I have an apartment leased, and we're trying to get out of it. Greg only has 3 bedrooms and the house overall is to small for a family of 5 and i hope in 9 months a family of 6. Cassie has offered to share a room with kiddo, but I don't think thats very fair for her. It seems fun now, but at 14 sharing a room with a 3 year old would be annoying. Kiddo would drive Cassie nuts. I still need to sell my house in NC to be able to afford my share for a house, as would he. We've looked at a few and haven't seen anything thats really caught our eye in our price range, sooooo we're most likely going to remodel whatever house we buy :( So not excited to start that again. But Greg has a construction company, so it should be easier and cheaper. We'd like to have atleast 6 bedrooms (4 kid rooms, our room and a guest room), and either a one story house or all the rooms on one floor. We saw a ton of first floor masters which wouldn't work since we have a young child and at some point more kids.
Getting back on track, we're all in the USVI right now. Its amazing and we're having an awesome time. Im sunburned :( and not feeling so hot today. But making the best of it. We just finished breakfast (we're staying at the ritz and the food is amazing) and are going to head out for the day. I'll have more about our honeymoon/ 1st family vacation later.

Yuck

I feel so yucky right now! My allergies are really acting up. I feel like death :( It sucks big time. I've taken some meds but they make me feel really loopy and not there, and not in a good way lol.
I could be at a bon fire right now waiting for my love to come, but nope im here at my new apartment doing nothing. New guy is still coming, but I don't think we'll do much. We were going to go to a movie, but I don't really feel up for it. I think we'll just go over USVI plans :)
Speaking of new guy, things are still amazing :) I feel so blessed to have found him. I think this is the person i'll spend the right of my life with. Or atleast I hope. Im just so scared of it all going away. Its something i've never had before and I dont want to lose this. I think if he asked me to marry him tomorrow I would. Crazy, I know. I can't even put into words how amazing things are with him. We even have a song :) lol how cheesy is that! But I love it.
I love everything about him. Yep I said it, love. Things feel right. I feel like we've been together forever, but it hasn't even been a month. I get butterflies everytime he calls or comes over. I love how when its just us in the car, he'll hold my hand and start singing "our" song. Or how just randomly gets super romantic. I love the way he kisses me. I love how when im with him I forget about any other guy i've ever been with or liked. No other guy matters when im with him. When im with him it's like all the bad relationships never happened. Like im a teenager again and he's my first love.
It goes against all logic, but I think thats the fun of it. Makes me feel better just talking about him. And whats even weirder is everyone is being so supportive. I kinda hinted at how I felt to my dad and he said to just follow my heart and if I feel its right then go for it. Thats a huge deal for my dad to say that! He hasn't even seen us together, and has never said anything like that to me! Im just taking it as a sign.

Pooped

Man I feel like taking a 2 week nap! I'm so tired it's not even funny. We got home today and the house looks amazing. Worth all the money and stress put into it. I enjoy being in it now. I think what I like the most is my stairs! When I bought the house it had carpet on the stairs, and im not really a carpet kinda gal. I wanted to have hardwood but when everything was being priced and it came way over what I wanted to spend, I had to cut that idea. Well when pulling up the carpet we found that I had amazing unfinished pine treads! Score! So they finished them for me. There a little woren looking, like something you would find in an older home. But I love them. Im really into shabby chic kinda stuff, and my dream house would be fixing up an old farmhouse. So I love that they don't look like we went down to Lowes hardware and bought them.
I, with no help, put together some deck furniture (im very proud of myself). It needed to be done before tomorrow so right after getting in I got down to business lol. Tomorrow will be insane, the next 2 weeks will be insane.
Sunday we leave for the north to visit with new guy and get into my new apartment. We stay there until the 10th, when we fly down to FL. THEN as if that weren't enough New guy and I are taking all the kids on vacation. I still have my USVI tickets and was talking to him about still going down there, cashing them in, or saving them. He said why don't we all go, so that's what we're doing. We're figuring out hotels and such tonight. Im very excited, it's been years since I went. It's going to be a much needed vacation with someone who's company I really enjoy. Plus its a great way for me to get to know his kids a bit more.
Im thinking about taking his daughter to the spa or shopping, and maybe going fishing with his son. Something that I could get to know them one on one. I want to do stuff with them that they enjoy.
It's really weird dating someone with older kids, which I assume is what it's like for someone without kids to date someone with kids. I have a 3 year old, so I haven't gone through the first day of school yet, the sex talk, dating, learning to drive, the crazy pre-teen years.

Ticks and seafood

My contractor told me today that I have the worst tick problem he's ever seen (in my yard). I thought it was normal for the area and just avoided my yard at all costs. Which is a HUGE reason im looking forward to selling. My daughter can not play in our yard at all. After mowing my lawn the guy found 7 ticks on him! Now I have a very small yard, it maybe takes 20 mintues to mow everything. Thats a ton of ticks! I grew up playing in the woods and corn fields and had only found 1 tick on myself ever until I moved here. I live in town, but my house does back up to some woods, and the house to my right has found a loop hole in rules and has declared their yard a nature perserve, so it's totally over run. This is most likely where my tick problem is coming from. This is also where my mice problem is coming from.
I have a nice house! I take care of my yard, I keep up to date on repairs and such. I should not have these issues. The city has fined them countless times, but yet they do nothing. We spray and everything but the suckers just keep coming back. I have no idea what to do.
And the really funny part is the wife will go out and weed around the driveway. Like really you think pulling a few weeds does anything? Why waste your time!
I think when it's to the point that my child can't use our yard because of the ticks it's gotten out of hand. I wont have any yard in the apartment, but atleast I don't have to deal with this!!


I'm going back home tomorrow. My daughter is a queen for a local pageant and gets to ride in the parade for the 4th :) So we'll so doing that bright and early, then grilling lunch for some friends, after lunch we head to a festival and then fireworks at night. Im making grilled lobster, steamed king crab legs, burger/hot dogs, corn on the cob, rice, pudding, fruit salad, home made potato chips, home made salsa, and pumpkin cake. I know a bit outof season for pumpkin cake, but it's one of the best things I make and it was a request. We're also doing homemade popsicles for the kids.
Im so excited to be entertaining, and that everyone wanted seafood! Should be awesome.

D-day

Something to add to the ironicness (okay I know thats not a word) of last night was that it was my 2 year wedding anniversary. How random to watch a movie about divorce the day before you get divorced which also happens to be your anniversary.
Anywho, today went of fine. No real drama to report. Everyone was civil, no name calling. We both got what we wanted so it's time to move on. For the record new guy did not come with me, I felt it would be disrespectful and just upset my ex. He was agreeing to what I wanted so there was no need to press buttons and flaunt my relationship. I had a couple of people ask me that today, so I just wanted to get that out there.
Besides that today was pretty boring. I didn't want to have anything planned, since I had no idea how long it would take, so new guy and my cousin (he came down here with him) went deep sea fishing. Kiddo went to the beach with one of my aunts, and afterwards I came back to my Grandparents and just hung out in bed. Once everyone came back we went out to dinner at this cute little seafood place on the channel. Afterwards new guy, kiddo and I went to the beach for sunset and took a really long walk. Despite what happened today it was one of the happiest moments i've ever had. Everything feels so right with him. I do wish his kids could of been there.
Ahh i've got so much ahead of me. Everything has been moved back into my house, and now I have to sort it and figure out what goes where. I have to move. I have to get my house on the market. It's like a never ending list of stuff. It's times like this that being a kid sounds like so much more fun then being an adult.
LOL I remember being 16/17 and thinking how amazing being an adult will be. You can go anyplace at any time. Everything is legal. Theres no way in the world i'd ever miss being a teen. What they don't tell you is with being able to go where ever you want and have things be legal comes a whole lot of not so fun stuff. It all seemed so effortless. I lost my car keys once as a teen, all I had to do was tell my dad and he figured out how to get me a new set (okay they weren't really lost, I knew where they were, it was just getting to the bottom of the ocean that was the issue). Ugh Im going to bed im drained.

Fireproof

New guy and I watched this tonight. Quite Ironic being that im getting divorced tomorrow. While I stand by my choice to divorce my ex, I look at marriage totally different now. It hurts a lot knowing i've promised twice to love and stand by people no matter what, and I haven't put my whole heart into it. Marriage has never meaned anything to me. It was more about getting to play dress up for a day then what those vows really meant. There not some words you just say, it's something you have to believe and mean. You can't makes promises you wont keep.
It has left me very broken and hurt. Everything happened so fast the first time, and I didn't think much about my actions. And the 2nd time I knew in my heart it wasn't right and I went along anyways.
New guy and I both cried. I think the timing of watching it was perfect. We both have moved fast in past relationships and waiting to take things to the next level is new to both of us. Had we not watched that, I think we would of been doing other things tonight. It's hard to change when you've lived one way for so long. But I think for our relationship this is the best thing, I see no harm in us waiting. And for the record he is staying in a hotel, not here at my Grandparents.
I want a closer relationship with the Lord. I need it. That's what im going to put my focus on.

Tomorrow

Im so ready for tomorrow to be done and over with! I have no idea if everything will go along as planned. Since we had a pre-nup and no kids together, there isn't much to fight over. BUT the few things we did have to fight over he of course is being a jerk about. I truly don't care he can have everything but 1 thing. Some very private photos and videos were taken and I don't trust them with him. Im asking for them to be handed over and everything else he wants is his. He keeps going back and forth about agreeing. One minute he says i'll give them to you if you give me this, I give him that then he says well no I want this to! Finally I point blank said your either going to hand them over or not, im done playing these games and have refused his calls since then. He can speak to my lawyer if he needs to get a message to me.
I've "heard" he may be going to rehab after the divorce on Wednesday. Cant say im shocked. I think he has some MAJOR problems that he needs help with. I think when people have grown up the way we have it can cause some major issues for them as adults. We both pretty much raised ourselves, were given anything and everything we wanted, and didn't have great role models for how to be a good parent/spouse. So I can't blame him for the problems he had. I had went through what he's going through in my teens/early 20's so I get it. I which things could be different and at the very least I could be there as a friend, but theres just so much hurt that I can't offer that. I do hope he's able to get the help he needs and works out all the problems.
I feel like i've been put through the ringer this year, im ready to move on and start a better life. But I also feel like i've grown so much in just the last few months. I want things I never thought I wanted, I feel things i've never felt before. It's really weird.
Things with new guy are still amazing. I feel like im in a dream or something when im with him. I forget all the drama going on and can just enjoy life when im with him. Things just feel right.

Leaving on a jet plane.

We leave tonight for FL. I can't believe i'll be divorced in a few days. It's kinda surreal. Im excited for this to be over but not to go to FL. It got up to 115 the other day, who in the world wants to hang out in that.
But New guy is coming tomorrow, so im excited to see him. It means a lot to me that he would be there for me, since no one else is.
Ugh I don't want to leave my house.

Whew!

These past few weeks have been crazy (with no end in sight). I can't remember what I last updated so i'll start with Thursday. I flew to my parents Thursday afternoon. Nice flight, on time, very smooth. Things went really well at my parents (which is very rare). Things got a bit tense this morning, but it wasn't bad. Anyway We took kiddo swimming in the river, grilled and sat outside watching the sunset. Very nice night.
Yesterday I woke up early and took kiddo into town for breakfast. The town they live by is a VERY hippy, college town. We ate at this organic foods/ bagel shop with all the wanna be hippies and hung over college kids. Always fun. After that we drove by my old house (when I say we, I mean kiddo and I), and headed over to a mini amusement park. I had never been there, since I only lived there 2ish year and it was geared towards younger kids. But it was really neat, kiddo met Dora and rode a ton of rides. After that I took her back to my parents, and for once got to have them babysit. This is very rare for me, their majorly anti-babysitting (I ask them 3 or 4 times a year which is WAY to much according to my dad @@). I ended up going to see Transformers with Kiddo's aunt on her dads side. And out to eat after. It was just an awesome day.
This morning we sat outside and talked while kiddo played. It got a bit tense during a convo about school and me getting a job. My father is very much against me being a stay at home mom. I can afford it, and do plan on working when she goes back to school, so I don't see why it matters. Im debt free, not on any aid, have a house and 2 cars fully paid for, money invested (so Iam making money). Having that time with kiddo is more valueable to me then working. But my family is a workaholic family so thats why he feels the way he does.
But I just let it go and said i'd look into going back to school. I have thought about it, and there is something i'd like to do, but not until Kiddo is in school.
For some crazy reason everyone is being super supportive about my relationship with new guy. It's the first time in my life people are being so supportive. And instead of telling me to take my time everyone is saying to follow my heart!! I almost feel like everyone has gone insane, and now Im the sane person.
It's not that I dont like new guy, I do, a lot! But I need to know what I feel is true and wont wear off. I think it is true, and I can't imagine this wearing off, but i've never felt this before. I don't 100% trust my judgment. I feel like what are the odds of me finding the person I feel could be "the one" and him feeling the same way about me. He's so sure of everything, how do these crazy 1 in a million things keep happening to me? I still feel undeserving of this love, and yet here it is.
I could see us pregnant before the end of the year, thats how quickly things are happening. Im trying my hardest to slow everything down, but I can't help the way I feel. I wasn't planning on really dating for awhile, let alone jumping into something this fast.
I can't find ANYTHING I dont like about the guy! He's a good father, treats his mom well, treats me like a queen, love my daughter, wants a ton of kids, knows how to cook, clean up after himself, doesnt speak bad about his ex, loves life, can make me laugh, And I can be myself around him. He's perfect. He's loyal, trustworthy, and honest! It almost seems to good to be true.
I've talked about this with a few friends in the last few days and asked if they think im crazy, and everyone has said they think i'd be crazy for not keeping this guy. And that theres no right or wrong time frame for a relationship to progress. You can know the moment you meet someone that you want to be with this person forever, or it may take you years.

wow!

This weekend was the most amazing weekend! I can't believe in such a short time how things have changed. We left for camp on Friday afternoon. It's about 45 minutes to an hour away. Way out in the middle of nowhere. It's also right on a lake :)- We just hung out and did normal camp stuff (arts and crafts, chapel, diner, campfire, kiddo ran around with friends). Saturday new guy brought over his kids, and I got to meet them. Such nice respectful kids! The meeting went a billion times better then I thought it would. I think it helps I have a daughter. As a step child I totally was expecting them to act the way I would when I'd meet my dads girlfriends. But they were very nice and got on with my daughter like they had known her forever. Kiddo I think may have a mini crush on his son, where ever that kid went kiddo was 2 steps behind. It was cute.
I ended up getting baptized on Sunday, and new guy came to watch which was nice. He wasn't ready to take that step, but he did meet with a pastor and might be heading that way, which is awesome. That night he took kiddo and I (as well as his kids) to have dinner at his parents.
His parents own a large crop farm in the middle of Amish country. OMG this place was to die for! I felt like I had died and gone to heaven there. They have a cute perfect size farm house that looks like something you would see in better homes and gardens magazine. Everything was picture perfect, breath taking. They had a bunch of people over (friends and family). Kiddo struck up a friendship with a group of little Amish girls :)- It was the cutest thing i've ever seen. His mother is an amazing cook and hostess. Both of his parents were awesome to kiddo and I. They treated us as family and were so welcoming. After dinner his dad took some of the kids on a twilight "hay" ride around the farm. I was a dream come true.
I could of stayed there forever. And his mom, wow is all I can say. I've never had an issue with boyfriends parents liking me, but i've never had someone like me so much that I felt so welcomed and like I had been in the family forever. She was so sweet, and I had a blast chatting with her. They seem really hands on with his kids and were so loving with mine. At one point his mom said something like I hope this one is finally it, I want more grandkids. My parents are so not hands on with my daughter.
So it was the best weekend i've had in a really long time.

My boyfriend :)

Sooo new guy and I are officially together now :) Im very happy with this. Last night after kiddo went to bed (all the kids stayed at my aunts) I went out with new guy, Fred and his wife, H and the guys shes off and on with, Bob and a few of his friends. We went to a few different bars, before we settled at one. Im not really a bar person (they lost there cool when I turned 21), but it was fun none the less. Played pool and darts, and I drank WAY to much. Im not really a big drinker (once again it lost its cool when I became old enough to legally drink)so a few drinks and im good to go. New guy had a few beers but he isn't the lightweight Iam lol. We were all the way across town so I just stayed the night at his house (which was the plan from the start).
We were going to stay in different rooms (me in his bed and he'd sleep somewhere else) but ended up sleeping together (as in the same room, not having sex). So we still weren't "together", and hadn't done anything but hug and hold hands by this point.
Woke up this morning and he made me breakfast in bed. When we were done he said something along the lines of "hey can you do something for me" (it was early so this may not be word for word what was said), and then I said depends on what it is, and he said "would you not date other guys". Caught me off guard! LOL I think i said something like if I agree to that does that mean we're together, like boyfriend and girlfriend together? I felt kinda silly after I said that, but he thought it was "cute" and said yeah. Of course I agreed and that's how we got together lol.
Of course after that we FINALLY kissed. I asked him why he didn't make a move on me last night and he said he wanted to wait until we were a couple and that I was sober and remember it :) Such a nice guy. I don't think any guy i've ever dated would pass up a chance to get with me while drunk. Which is why I don't drink much, i'll do just about anything. I have a stupid butterfly tattoo on my lower back to prove it (and thank God the tattoo shop was closed or else last year I would of got MILF on my ass).
It was kinda nice to just make out. I feel like i move so fast with guys (in bed) and it was nice to slow it down. I mean things are moving kinda fast relationship wise, but I like that. Im not really (or i wasnt) a believer of love at first sight, but i've always known in the first couple days of being with someone if I love them or not. It's never something thats come over time. If I don't have those feelings for you right away then I never will.
Its weird because I feel like things are sudden and not all at the same time. If you look at the big picture i've been waiting forever for him. Most people by 26 have found someone awesome. I've found losers who have treated me bad. But short term I guess this is sudden. Im not even divorced yet, and besides dating guy #2 for a few days, i've been single just for a few months. It's crazy thinking about how everything has lead me to right here. If I didn't get pregnant (or abort) I wouldn't be here. I'd be back in NC doing nothing, and not putting any effort into finding someone else.
I know it's way soon, and i may regret ever typing this but I kinda feel like he's the one. Its way early I know. Theres a million reasons why that sounds crazy, but I still feel it. He just makes me so happy, and we get on so well. I also feel like I don't have to guess with him, i feel like we're on the same page as far as feelings go (and no it's not just because i snooped around his blog).
I get to meet his kids on Monday :) They'll be back from camp today, but Kiddo and I are going to my camp. I've been going to camp since I was a few days old. Its a church camp (through the church i grew up in), but this is the first time i've went since i was 20. Im not going for the full, only the weekend. But kiddo should have a blast and really enjoy it. It's where my first husband and I met. He'll be there this time as well

Crafty me

I'm a bath and body products addict, which I guess is pretty normal being that im female. I LOVE sugar scrubs, like if theres one in a store I HAVE to buy it. I must have 5 or 6 at home now. I go through them like crazy. But there kinda pricy and it's always the same scents over and over.
So I made my own :) Its super simple and quite a money saver. I used this recipe-
http://www.recipezaar.com/Simple-Sugar-Scrub-92027

Ingredients
1 clear plastic jar
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
lemon juice (optional)
scented essential oils (optional)

Directions
1mix the sugar and olive oil in the plastic container. I do not recomend using a glass jar for this, since you will most likely have this in your bathroom.

2add any optional scents you like. I have discovered that adding peppermint oil or orange oil helps refresh you, while lavender is more soothing. My favorite oil to use is sandlewood.

3to use: place some on a wash cloth and rub in circles anywhere you need exfoliation. After letting it sit for awhile the sugar may settle to the bottom, so it may be necessary to shake this up a little before using.

I didn't use the lemon juice, used brown sugar instead of white, and bought a ton of other oils instead of EVOO.
For the first batch I used grapeseed oil, plus a dash of a few others. And I used an Orange EO. The oragne was DD's (for anyone not up on message board lingo thats dear daughter, why they use dear I dont know) choice. I bought everything from a health food grocery store, but im guessing out could find some of it at walmart.

Also check out http://saveonscents.com/ for a HUGE list of scents.

End of my rope

Im so fucking miserable. Im dead tired but can't fucking sleep :( My mind races and i cant seem to get comfy. Last week I got a RX for Ambien and may go fill it tomorrow. I've only taken mild PM meds before, never a sleep aid. I dont want to take it, but I can't function like this. All day im so woren out and then come night I get maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I worry about driving and stuff because im that tired!
I talked to the new guy about it a little while ago and he wants to take me tomorrow to go get natural things to help me sleep, but im so fucking tired I dont even want to try it. I just want sleep at this point and I don't care how I get it.
Im wondering if some of it has to do with my issues of being alone. I hate being alone at night.

I did a bad bad thing

So I know stuff I shouldn't know because I snooped. Okay I didn't snoop, a girl friend of mine did. Okay okay I tried to, but didn't find anything I didn't already know. New guy has a blog, and while it's not as hush hush as mine im not sure he wants me seeing it (or atleast yet). Of course I did the whole google search thing, who doesn't do that?! But I was talking to a girl friend while doing it and she found a blog (this bitch can find out anything on anyone, I swear she should become a PI). I wasn't going to read it, but I mean how could you not?! So I know his feelings about me and what not. It's all good, nothing bad and I guess nothing I couldn't of guessed, I just feel bad. I suppose the "right" thing to do would be to tell him and link him to my blogs (i have 2 my semi private one and this one). I hope he finds some humor in it. I feel bad knowing things that are private and he hasn't told me yet. Like tomorrow he's sending me flowers, and he's going to try and work up the guts to kiss me. Gives me butterflies just thinking about it, but I really shouldn't know that. And if for any reason it doesn't happen then i'll be let down.
He met my daughter today :) Of course she loved him, you would have to be a major ass for her not to like you. He brought her some M&M's (her favorite candy) so she was into him right off the bat. He took us out for ice cream, and just hung out for a bit. Im dead tired, but of course kiddo is wired from all the sugar.

Sassy

So this morning kiddo asks me for a sippy, I say okay and go and make one. While im making it I cut up some strawberries as a snack before breakfast. You know being the nice mother that Iam, and feeding my child. I bring the sippy and strawberries to her and she goes "Mother I asked for a sippy, not a sippy and strawberries! You need to listen better". Who does this kid think she is?!?! I had to talk to her about the way she speaks to me because she's getting a bit sassy. I guess that comes along with having a 3 year old.
Of course the new guy and I stayed up way late on the phone again. This needs to be put to a stop. Im dead tired from 2 nights of barely sleeping and im not feeling so well today. Im sure he's pooped all day at work as well. I love talking to him and getting to know him, but I have to be able to function lol.
I know i've said it a million times, but he's such a nice guy. Which is weird because by his picture I assumed he'd be an ass. Works out a lot, nice body, just that im an ass type of look. Totally didn't seem like the nice guy romantic type. And normally I wouldn't even go for that, but it's different with him. All the nice romantic stuff he does really impresses me since i've never had a guy do it.
He's going to meet my daughter tonight :) Just as a friend of course. It would be a while before any of the kids know we're together (assuming of course we get together).

I hate night

I hate night time. I've never been one to stay up late, I enjoy my sleep. But lately I dread it. I stay up as late as I can so that by the time I go and lay down Im so tired that I fall right asleep. I hate just laying there with nothing else to do but think. While things are good right now, my mind always comes back to the not so good things of the past. Im so unhappy with some of the choices i've made...
On to a different subject, the point of writing this was to get my mind off of those things. I talked to the new guy tonight about everything on my list. And he's okay with it all, which makes me feel even more unworthy of someone like that. I dont accept myself so why should anyone else. I think I shocked him at first putting everything out there, but he was so nice about it. I explained the abortion and the first thing he asked was if I was all right. He said he feels like he's been waiting for me for a long time and that he isn't going to let the ups and downs of life get in the way of seeing where this may go. In the last 24 hours i've seen him 3 times but it still doesn't feel like enough. He's so upfront with me, which i've never had. For some reason I seem to find the guys who like to play games. Which now as a mom, I don't have time for. If you dont like me and dont want to be with me then let me know, dont waste my time.
I think he likes me just as much as I like him. We have so much incommon, and I love that he's a parent. He can totally relate when it comes to all the craziness that comes along with that. He's also been married so theres 0 weirdness with that. He also wants more kids (yay), and with being 36 would like them soon. Not that we're moving that fast or anything, but it's nice to know that if things should work out that its on the table. I would hate to put the time and effort into someone only to find out later on they dont want something I do.
We're not "together" as of right now, but I do see it happening in the future. He's just such a nice guy! I kinda feel like God sent him to me in my time of need. I've been very lucky that at the worst times in my life someone comes in and helps me through it.
Things just feel different with him :)

The good news, and the bad.

The good news is last night around 12 my date texted asking if I was up, I texted back that I was and if something was wrong. Nothing was wrong, he just wanted to talk. We ended up talking until around 3am :)He also came and got me for breakfast this morning. Im in total awe of him, how is a guy like this single? How is someone like this into me? I don't get guys like this!
The bad news, I don't know how realistic dating him is. For many reasons
1- While from the outside looking in I seem to be doing well, considering last week, Im not. Im really having a hard time with guilt and accepting my actions. The idea of dating is awesome, but to really date someone scares the heck out of me right now. Figures I wait 26 years to meet someone like this and the timing couldn't be more off.
2- Even if I get past those feelings I refuse to be dishonest in a relationship again. I have to be honest about last week. It's impossible for me to go on many more dates and him not know. Plus at the rate we're going i'd assume sex would come up in the next few dates. I can't lie about why I cant. This will most likely scare him off. BUT if it doesnt it I worry about him telling Fred at a later date. I need to know he can be trusted with things. There are things I need to be upfront about from the start that i'd rather my family didn't know.
3- We both have kids, and are dating has to be okay by them. Im not worried about my daughter liking him (she likes everyone, but his kids very well might like me. He also has to be good with my daughter, and while I believe he would be (since he has kids and seems to be a great dad) you just never know.
4- I don't live here and while the idea of moving there has crossed my mind (before meeting him) I haven't made up my mind yet. I need to do what is best for my daughter and I and not just to be with a guy. But even if I did move there it would be a few months away and that very well could be a deal breaker.
5- future kids have to be on the table. Which is a super hard question to ask someone you just met. But if he is 100% he doesn't want anymore kids then it's best to get out before we invest more into the relationship. I can wait years, it's not like im asking for them tomorrow, but I have to know it will happen.
Figures I meet someone and all these issue come up. Im so scared of fully letting someone in and getting my heart broken. I've always been guarded and have never let ANYONE all the way in. I also question my feelings for a lot of people i've thought I loved. I felt something so strong for guy #1 and after feeling that I truly wonder if i've ever trully loved past boyfriends. I had never felt like that. But with this new guy I feel a super strong connection with him. More so then guy #1. And im wondering if maybe the feelings aren't as strong as I think, but because i've never felt it before that it's more then it is.
It's all so confusing. I wish things could just be easy for once.

Holy crap!

Sooo it's a bit past 11 and I JUST got home from my date. Im stunned at how tonight turned out. This guy is AMAZING! I can't remember the last time I had this much fun with a guy! I don't know if I ever have. Or if i've ever hit it off like this with a guy. Totally tossed me through a loop!
My day-
Kiddo and I woke up this morning and went swimming. We pretty much hung by the pool the whole morning, not a bad way to start off the day lol. We went over to my aunts store and helped out a bit. I love being in the store, it's like being in home decore heaven for me lol. After that just hung around the house and waited for kiddo to be picked up by freds wife for a sleepover (recap-fred is my older cousin, he's married with 2 kids, 2 boys). They are having a bunch of the kids over for movies/popcorn and a sleepover. Since school is out they do this twice a week (i think my cousin in law wants a ton of kids but fred doesn't so she settles for taking any kid she can get her hands on to babysit). My Aunt was gonna babysit for me, but this worked out better. It also helps my kiddo is the only young female cousin besides 1 thats a few months old. So everyone wants to hang out with her lol.
Once they picked her up I just hung out until my female cousin H came. She helped me get ready, doing my hair and helping pick out an outfit. She's a single mother (the mother of the only other girl on this side of the family, and she has 1 son), we've never been close until now. She's in her 30's so theres a big age difference.
Anywho it was quite a challange letting her help me get ready. She has some allergy problems and can't be around certain things (animals,seafood, cant touch latex, plus a ton of others) my Aunt has 5 golden's (3 we're my aunts and the other 2 were my cousins until this allergy stuff came up). So H has to stay outside. It's a huge pain in the butt because she can't really travel and can barely work.
I left for my date around 5:15ish, got there at 5:20. This time the guy was waiting for me, no being late (already off to a great start). We chatted for awhile outside at the sports bar, then went for a walk. We talked about anything and everything, it felt like talking to someone i've known forever. He was an awesome listener and seemed really into me. He admitted he's never dated another parent before and that it was nice to have someone that could relate to him.
He has 2 kids, a boy 16, and girl 14. Their at summer camp right now, and the mother is barely in their life (drugs/alcohol problem plus immature). He's an ex Marine and has a construction company. He hasn't dated much since getting divorced because he was either in the Marines, working on starting his own business, or his kids never liked the women he'd bring home.
He already knew alittle about me since he's friends with Fred. Like he knew about something I did in my teens because my cousin Fred was involved in it (got into some trouble when my parents were out of town and Fred had to come and force me to leave some people I was with). Kinda odd he remembered it, but I guess one less story I have to explain in the future. He also knew I was going through a 2nd divorce, and was really able to relate since he had been through it before. He knows my childs father and I were never in a relationship, and that im at an odd place right now. And he didn't run off screaming! lol My issues didn't seem to phase him at all!
We sat outside and just talked until like 10:45! He held my hand at the end of our date :) My heart just about melted. Sounds lame I know, but i've never felt like this. We didn't kiss :( Thats the only downside of the night. God I hope he calls me again. I'd be so let down if he didn't. Im on cloud nine right now :)

Back so soon

Now im really freaked out for my date tomorrow, because tonights was horrible! LOL we had nothing in common and he was a dumbass. I got to the pizza place a few minutes early, picked out a table and the fucker was late. Almost late enough that if he wasn't there in the next 5 minutes i was gonna leave. He was given my cell phone number so there was no reason not to call. Didn't say sorry for being late or anything. I kept asking questions and would get 1 word answers and then nothing. He texted a bunch and was a sloppy eater. I have no idea why I was set up with him. Im not super close with my cousins, but geez they should atleast know we wouldn't be a good match. Geez if tomorrow goes like this then im done letting them set me up with anyone. I even thought about canceling but that would be rude.
I think what the issue was is the guy tonight is friends with my ex hubby #2's sister. My whole family is very close to their family so my cousin (we'll call this one bob because this is getting confusing) Bob is really good friends with the Ex's sister. Normally not a big deal but im sure he got some crap for going out with me and was just pretending to be rude, because I dont see how ANYONE could really be this rude.
The guy im going out with tomorrow isn't friends with the ex's family, so that should help. He's my older cousin's (we'll call him Fred) friend (bob is my age, fred is 40 or close to it).

Im here

Kiddo and I made it safely up north :) Today was insane!! I had to drive DF (daughters father) about an hour and a half north so he could catch his ride to some concert thing. No doubt some stoner fest (bonnaroo maybe?) come back and wait for some furniture to be dropped off (omg looks amazing), drive an hour south and catch our flight. All before 2. Busy busy. But sooooo worth it. Im in love with my new furniture! I've been wanting to break out of my comfort zone and try something other then neutral colors. So I got a couch with red pin sripes! I was starting to rethink my choice today, until it got to the house. AMAZING! LOL. I found an cute trunk to use as a coffe table, got 2 leather chairs, and this huge entry way piece.
I've been on a bit of a shopping spree lately and need to get that in check. I ordered some new bedding for my daughter (plus a new bedroom set), new bedroom furniture for me, the stuff I list above and a new dining room table. Plus like $200 in organizational pantry stuff. I <3 href="http://www.oxo.com/OA_HTML/ibeCCtpSctDspRte.jsp?section=10421&minisite=10024&respid=53057">OXO - Food Storage. Plus I still need some more new stuff. But the one room in my house that has furniture right now looks wonderful.
I almost had a panic attack today on the plane. No reason why, just lost it for a moment. The whole positive thinking really help tho. It took me a minute but I got control over my thoughts and feelings and was able to let go of everything that was bothering me. I was thinking back to when I last got asked out. A few weeks ago on vacation in a big city my daughter and I were grocery shopping (yes i grocery shop on vacation) and I met a nice guy just by chance there. I was doing the whole positive thinking then and in an awesome mood. I looked a mess (had been traveling all day), and in PJ's but this guy still asked me out! I think my attitude had everything to do with it. I very easily could of been in a horrible mood. I found out a huge secret guy #1 had been keeping from me (getting engaged) a few days eariler, had a bad day traveling (drove way out of my way for something we didnt go to, and due to lack of restrooms kiddo peed her pants), and had a hell of a time finding this grocery store. But still I was in such a great mood.
So even tho I want to cry right now and am still in shock over this whole week I refuse to be sad and let anger get the best of me. I hope after time this will come naturally and I wont have to put much thought in it. I have to much to be happy and thankful for and only so much time to enjoy it.
My aunt and uncle are awesome, im so thankful for them. I haven't told them (and never would) about the abortion, but they know im going through a lot right now. I love being at their house. It's like an escape from the world. They live very close to the downtown area of the city they live in, but they have so much land (15 acre's I think) that's all fenced in you feel like your in your own little bubble. The house is in a u type of shape with a pool and yard being in the middle part of the u and thats fenced in from the rest of the yard. My aunt and I have a lot of the same style (English country shabby chic meets tradisonal) so it's like staying in a dream. So pretty. She's also an artist so it's even cooler to know a lot of the stuff around the house she made! Plus my cousins are always coming and going. Theres always people here.
I wish things could be better between my dad and I. I feel like everytime we take a step forward we take 2 back. He's always judging me and putting down any choice I make. But the more I think about it the less I think it has to do with me and more about him and issues he has. While I don't always make the best choices, i've always been a good daughter. Most of the things I did in my youth he doesn't know about, so its not like he's holding that against me. I think it's more about how he was raised and things that happened in my childhood (death of family members and such). My dad is the youngest out of his siblings and my grandparents due to work were gone a lot. Like months at a time. They moved out when he was 15 and left him to raise himself. Which explains a lot. So im going to try and put forth an effort to get along.
Im way nervous about my dates. I keep telling myself its going to be awesome and everything will be fine, but ahhhhh im scared lol. Im going with the first guy to a cute little pizza place on the river. I have no idea what to wear! It's dinner at a semi romantic place. Dress? Skirt? Jeans? No clue. I'll most likely have one of my female cousins come and help me. I should have a report this time tomorrow.

Attract More Romance - Personals Articles
Psychologist William James once wrote, "The greatest discovery of my generation is that man can alter his life simply by altering his attitude."
Since then, scientists studying the nature of consciousness have confirmed this observation many times over: Our thoughts matter tremendously. They aren't sealed in a jar in our heads; they are active agents of change, shaping our lives for good or ill. "The power of positive thinking" is more than a catchy book title or a feel-good phrase uttered by television talk-show hosts. Turns out that maintaining a steady flow of optimistic, upbeat thoughts is imperative for anyone who wants to succeed. That includes people hoping to attract romance into their lives. Consider these two hypothetical approaches:
Sandra arises each morning and dreads being "alone" another day. Her apartment feels empty without a companion. She thinks with regret about past failures and lost romantic opportunities. She remembers the good-looking guy at work who asked for her phone number yesterday -- but feels afraid to hope for a call. I don't know how much more disappointment I can take, she thinks. She scarfs down a jelly donut for breakfast (though she isn't really hungry) and forces herself to look presentable for work (though her heart isn't it). At the end of the day, some co-workers invite her to a local comedy club. She declines, preferring to go home and watch TV. Her last thought before she falls asleep is, When is it going to be my turn to fall in love?
Robert, by contrast, rises early for a workout before heading to the office. He finds excuses to strike up conversations with others at the gym. He thinks that chance connections and synchronicities that might lead to meeting someone can happen anywhere, anytime. At his favorite bagel shop, he jokes and flirts with the cashier. He is captain of his company's co-ed softball team, and emphasizes the "co-ed" part of the roster when recruiting new members. On the wall above his desk there is a sticky note that reads, "Carpe diem -- Seize the day." His last thought before going to sleep is, I'm one day closer to having what I want.
These sketches illustrate opposite ends of the thought spectrum. But here's the point: Which of these two attitudes is more attractive? By now the answer should be obvious. To make sure your attitude is attractive...
Pay attention to your thoughts.To assess the health of your attitude, listen to your mental dialogue. Remember that you are the boss over what goes on in your mind. Steer the conversation toward hopeful, positive expectations.
Be mindful of what you say.Your thoughts are like an arrow made of positive or negative intention. Words are the bow that fires them off into the world. And they will land where you aim.
Act as if...Suppose you knew that today you'd meet someone special. How would it change the way you behave? Make a list of those things -- then live every day that way.
In your quest for love, adjust your attitude upward, remain persistently positive, and expect the best. Then get ready to experience it.

I blog to much

I blog way to much. I think it's because I have a lack of adults to talk to (my daughters father doesn't count as an adult). As of right now I have 2 dates lined up! Very exciting, but kinda scary! I don't date, never have. Most people I get into a relationship with are friends, and then I just keep coming back to the same guys. So im kinda excited about going out with someone new. I did go on a "coffee" date in DC but it wasn't like a date date. Makes tons of sense, right? LOL. Im going on the first one on Sunday afternoon ( I go up north tomorrow), and the 2nd Monday night!!
The first guy is 2 years older then me (28), a chemical engineer (i believe one of the many things my cousin went to school for was this), and sounds like a pretty fun guy. Im the most excited about him :) Clean cut, blonde, tall (i've seen pics). No kids, never been married.
The 2nd guy is 10 years older then me, and owns a construction company. I've met him a few times before but barely remember him. He's friends with an older cousin of mine (well he's friends with the cousin my age setting me up but better friends with my older cousin). I think the last time I saw him was a female cousins wedding when I was 14. He has 2 kids, a boy 16 and a girl 14. And he's been married once. I've also seen pics of him and while he's not my type, he's good looking.
So I shall have lots to talk about in the next few days. I hope good things lol.
I think going up north is just what I need right now. Gets my mind off of things. We're going to be going to my Aunts lake house (she has boats and wave runners), 4 wheeling, shopping, BBQ's, swimming. Im so excited. I have a feeling if I dont go to the USVI I'll move up there.

Not myself

I feel so needy and not like myself. I wanted to get together with guy #1 and he said no and it totally made me a mess. I have no idea why. I normally woudnt care and wouldn't of given it a 2nd thought but for some reason it really hurt. I think because I feel like its all about him, whats best for him and what he wants. He never puts me first or thinks of me, kinda a selfish person. I wanted to scream at him and say you know I did something I didn't really want to do FOR YOU and yet you can't do this one thing for me. Asshole. And it's not like I could even have sex or anything (can't have sex for 2 weeks) so theres 0 risk of that. Im about ready to give up on our friendship. He hasn't been that great of a friend. I thought I really loved him, and maybe I did but i'd never want to be with someone who does so many hurtful things. Guys are dumb, sometimes I wish i was into girls because it just seems so much easier lol.
On a positive note im going up north to visit some family. I was just up there last month but I really don't want to be alone now. My childs father is good friends with one of my cousins and trying to get him to set me up on a date with someone. ROFL Sounds weird rereading that. I think I may try it even tho I have super low hopes. For one its a bit soon to jump into dating and two I don't trust them to pick out anyone date worthy. But i'll try:) Should make for a good story lol. My cousin is WAYYYYYYY different then me and I cant imagine he'd be friends with anyone I'd be into. He's my age but still in college (he's one of those weirdo's who would stay in college forever if he could). Plus he's a bit of a hippie.
I'd love to really date right now, but I don't think im ready. I need to work on myself before getting into anything with someone else. I've been through a lot this year and while I hate being alone it may be for the best.
I ordered some new clothes VS :) I hardly ever buy anything for myself, so it was nice to get a few things. Victoria's Secret - Wide-strap babydoll Bra Top This is my new favorite shirt! Makes the boobies look awesome with no bra! I normally always have to wear a bra because im not an A cup and those built in bras are wimpy lol. But this one is awesome.

Mixing alcohol and pains meds, not such a good thing. Maybe im not as okay as i thought i was.

So life is back to "normal". Im a mess inside but have to put on a happy normal front. My daughter needs to be cared for, I have remodel stuff to do, things needed to be ordered, bills to pay. As much as I want the world to stop and let me be said, it wont :(
I feel way needy right now, sucks being single and not have anyone to go through this with me and hold me. My childs father is here, and yesterday so was his sister but it's not the same. I wish guy #1 would of been there for me. He didn't even call!
I guess this was for the best. I remember how wrong it felt after my daughter was born not to have a loving father for her. Her father and I were on really bad terms, but even now he still isn't a dad to her. The best thing you can do for your child is give them 2 parents who love and are commited to each other. I want to do this the right way. I want to be married, and I don't want finding out im pregnant to be a bad thing. I want the childs father to be excited and not think of him/her as ruining his life.
I want to be madly in love. I want to find someone that even after years together still gives me butterflies. If I sit around being sad I waste another day of finding that person. I need to work through this instead of letting the pain and guilt eat away at me again. I have to for my daughter.
I dont feel worthy of ever finding that, but i guess I can atleast try.
Guy #2 called me yesteray :) After swearing he hated me and told me he hoped I died he called to check in on me. We didn't talk, he talked to my daughters father, but he from what I was told he seemed worried. Now really isnt the time for us to work out our issues but its nice to know he doesn't wish me dead anymore.

Life goes on I guess. All i want to do is sleep and be sad, but life wont let me. Ugh I hate the world right now.

There is no way to win in this situation. Theres nothing I can do to keep everyone from being hurt. Do I hurt myself and child so that everyone else doesnt get hurt? Or do I hurt everyone else so that my child and I are okay. I know it would be hard to bring another child into the world, im not living in fantasy world. Been there, done that I get it. But there is no part of me that regrets bring my daughter into this world, no matter how hard it is at times. So much of me would regret aborting. I know this. Guy #1 seems to think this will fade over time. It doesn't, in fact for me I just feel worse about it. I think about it every single day.
He treated me just like my first ex did. I think thats been the most hurtful thing about this. He had said to me before he liked the idea that i could possibly be pregnant, and that if we ever got together again he'd want to have unprotected sex again. He's also "claimed" to be pro-life and in the past had even made me feel guilty for my choices. But now when push comes to shove he's totally different. He has no idea what he's done to me. Atleast my ex had the excuse of being 18 and just out of highschool. He has no excuse for his actions. Makes me really glad he is with the other girl because this has made me see his true colors. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who could EVER treat me like that.
I should of stood up for myself the first time. I haven't made up my mind either way yet. I thought I had but being that I really dont want to lie to anyone i pretty much told guy #1 my plan. I shouldnt of spoke up but i didnt know what else to do.

Pissed off

Im really fucking pissed of at guy #1. Iam a little at guy #2, but i understand where he's coming from. He's not mad about the pregnancy, he's mad I lied and cheated on him. He has every right to feel the way he does. I understand why he would pull away from me right now. But guy #1 I thought was a good guy. He's someone I thought would be there for me atleast as a friend. Im totally shocked he's acting the way he is towards me. I get it I lied about taking the morning after pill (i was so positive i wasnt ovulating, and i didn't think he came in me). He says he's not mad but I can tell its a lie. I can tell he wants nothing to do with me. I want him to say im making the right choice going through with this and we'll atleast try to work on our friendship.
I love him so much but he's acting kinda like my first ex i got pregnant with.
Fuck them both. Why should I do something that I know in my heart is wrong, for them? Guy #1 used me for sex. He's not getting it in his relationship so why not fuck the easy girl and have the best of both worlds. He knew I loved him and wanted to be with him yet he totally fucked with me. Why should I care what he has to lose when he doesnt even think of me. Im just someone he uses to pass the time at work.
Im keeping my child and as of tomorrow will cut off all contact with both guys. I wont be showing by the time I leave for the USVI so only very few people I know IRL will know im pregnant. I have no idea how i'll keep it from getting back to guy #2 since we have a lot of the same friends, but i doubt he would even care. Guy #1 shouldnt be to hard since we don't have any of the same friends, and its not like our families are friends. If I dont allow him on myspace or facebook it should never be an issue. I know this is crazy, no one needs to tell me that. And I know on some level it is wrong. As much as im pissed off at guy #1 I dont want to ruin his life. I dont want to force him to be a father, if he is in fact the father. I know he most likely would step up but I would imagine he'd always blame me and this child for ruining his life. Should it be guy #1's he wont want any part of it anyway.
I know I said I wouldnt talk about it but I have to get it out. I believe in my heart it's guy #1's for a couple of reasons. This may boarder on TMI but when we had sex I was really wet, like more so then normal. I just thought he really turned me on, but now thinking about it I think I was ovulating. When a woman ovulates theres some mucus and that would kinda explain things. He noticed this to, so im not out of my mind. 2- I dont think I could of got a positive blood test had it been guy #2. 3- the time line with guy #1 was closer to the time I thought I ovulated. 4- He did get a bit in me and the rest was in that area, when I cleaned myself off I wasn't very careful about how I wiped, so I may of got more in there. Of course I could never tell him this, but it feels good to let it go.
It's odd but it feels like a weight has been taken off. I know in my heart things will be okay. I love this baby so much. I dont care what they want, im doing whats best.

I wish I could talk to someone about how Im feeling. I can talk to my daughters father, but thats not who i want to talk to. I want to talk to both of the guys. I wish I could tell them how I feel. Guy #1 says he doesnt hate me, but i dont believe him. I can tell his feelings for me aren't the same. I feel like if im going to lose my friends no matter what then why go forward ending everything? I mean its not like id be kicking them out of my life so really why harm myself even more. They wanted me out, and why should i be left with nothing? Loseing the 2 guys I care the most about AND a child is more then I can bare.

Last night was hell. I think I got maybe an hour of sleep. I had to go back to the doctor this morning to talk about my options. I thought there was a waiting period but I guess not, I go in tomorrow (my 26th b-day) to end my pregnancy. So now i've gotten pregnant on my b-day (with my daughter) and ended a pregnancy on my b-day. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my b-day @@. If I don't do it now then I wont do it. My heart says dont do it, but my brain says you have to, but i dont know how much longer that will last. It just feels like the wrong thing.
Could I be a single mom of 2 kids? I didnt know if I could do it with my daughter and here iam. I may not be the best mom but i do try. Its weird because I knew from the moment I got pregnant with my daughter that i would keep her, but I wasn't in love with her like Iam this child. I never felt a bond with her until I gave birth. I feel such a bond with this one already, all I want to do is protect him/her. It's such an indescribable feeling. I felt a bond the instant I was told I was pregnant. It didnt make it any less scary, but it was slightly comforting. I know this is all sorts of wrong, but both of the guys I was with want me to abort. What if I just cut off contact with them, moved to the USVI? God that sounds crazy. I want to protect everyone, I want life to go on as normal for them, but what about me? I've been thinking about everyone else but what about whats best for me. It would really be a win win. They could not only go on as normal but have me out of their lives. All I seem to do is fuck things up for people. And how would my ex even know I was pregnant? Unless they made me take a pregnancy test theres no way anyone would know. It could be final in just a few weeks, so i'd be in the clear with that.
Every hour that goes on I get closer and closer to not going forward with this. I know what im thinking is crazy, and not the right way of going about things. I watched a show awhile back about this guy trying to find his father. The mother never told the guy she was pregnant because she didnt want to ruin his life. But it turns out the guy was an awesome guy and would of stepped up. But I remember sitting there thinking what a bitch this lady was from keeping her child from his father. I know she meant well, but it was still shitty. But if it were between life and death would what she did be so crappy? If that was the only way that child could live, wouldnt that be better then aborting? I have a little over 24 hours to make up my mind.

How can someone who is such an awesome friend be such a crappy father? I dont get it. My daughters father is amazing to me, he's good to our daughter but not in a fatherly type of way. Like a big brother or uncle type of way. He gives the best advice and can make me smily even when something horrible happens. I totally lost it for a moment and freaked out. Thank God for him. I feel so unworthy of someone so awesome. He desnt agree or disagree with what i feel is best which helps. Last thing i want to do is talk to someone who tells me what should be done. He's going to come and help me and be there for me when the time comes. I've never had any be there for me, ever during an abortion/miscarriage or when i carried my daughter to term. He wasn't there for me during my pregnancy with my daughter. Maybe he's trying to make up for it, i dont know. But no one has ever been there. The first time my ex was at the doctors office with me but only because i had to have a ride after and he wanted to make sure i went through with it. He wouldn't come back and hold my hand during the exam, or stay with me when it was time to take the 2nd pill. I know guy #2 would laugh in my face if i asked him to be there for me, and while guy #1 is a good guy, i dont think he'd be there either. Im pretty sure deep down he wants nothing to do with me and any feelings he did have have changed. So thank God for my childs father. How would I care for my daughter when it was time to take the 2nd pill? Who would drive me home from the doctors? It's so much more then just needing comfort. He was so calm and didn't freak out at all. Most likely shock, but still it helped. But he also wasn't all poor you, you poor thing. Which is not what I want at all. I have to talk to someone about it or else its going to eat me alive like before. I totally lost my mind before. The day I went to get the first pill , that night was a huge party at a friends house. My boyfriend expected me to go and act like nothing was wrong. It was the oddest feeling to walk through the door, have everyone know what was going on but go on like nothing happened. Not that i wanted everyone to treat me differently but it was just weird. Everyone was the same as they were the week before, yet i was a totally different person trying to be me old self. I dont think people get that just because its physically over doesnt mean someone is over it. I can handle death, i cant handle being the cause of it.
Im very scared of turning back into who I was after my first. Im scared i'll wake up the day after having it done and regret it. Im scared i'll not only lose my child but someone i consider to be a bestfriend. I think i could go on all night listing what im scared of.
I think I have a good idea who the father is, it explains a few things. I can't even tell a friend or write them down because i never want that to get out. I think its best they both think theres that chance it wouldnt be theirs.
I already love this child so much, sometimes i'll lose myself in a good thought and forget whats going to happen.