Fireproof

New guy and I watched this tonight. Quite Ironic being that im getting divorced tomorrow. While I stand by my choice to divorce my ex, I look at marriage totally different now. It hurts a lot knowing i've promised twice to love and stand by people no matter what, and I haven't put my whole heart into it. Marriage has never meaned anything to me. It was more about getting to play dress up for a day then what those vows really meant. There not some words you just say, it's something you have to believe and mean. You can't makes promises you wont keep.
It has left me very broken and hurt. Everything happened so fast the first time, and I didn't think much about my actions. And the 2nd time I knew in my heart it wasn't right and I went along anyways.
New guy and I both cried. I think the timing of watching it was perfect. We both have moved fast in past relationships and waiting to take things to the next level is new to both of us. Had we not watched that, I think we would of been doing other things tonight. It's hard to change when you've lived one way for so long. But I think for our relationship this is the best thing, I see no harm in us waiting. And for the record he is staying in a hotel, not here at my Grandparents.
I want a closer relationship with the Lord. I need it. That's what im going to put my focus on.

Tomorrow

Im so ready for tomorrow to be done and over with! I have no idea if everything will go along as planned. Since we had a pre-nup and no kids together, there isn't much to fight over. BUT the few things we did have to fight over he of course is being a jerk about. I truly don't care he can have everything but 1 thing. Some very private photos and videos were taken and I don't trust them with him. Im asking for them to be handed over and everything else he wants is his. He keeps going back and forth about agreeing. One minute he says i'll give them to you if you give me this, I give him that then he says well no I want this to! Finally I point blank said your either going to hand them over or not, im done playing these games and have refused his calls since then. He can speak to my lawyer if he needs to get a message to me.
I've "heard" he may be going to rehab after the divorce on Wednesday. Cant say im shocked. I think he has some MAJOR problems that he needs help with. I think when people have grown up the way we have it can cause some major issues for them as adults. We both pretty much raised ourselves, were given anything and everything we wanted, and didn't have great role models for how to be a good parent/spouse. So I can't blame him for the problems he had. I had went through what he's going through in my teens/early 20's so I get it. I which things could be different and at the very least I could be there as a friend, but theres just so much hurt that I can't offer that. I do hope he's able to get the help he needs and works out all the problems.
I feel like i've been put through the ringer this year, im ready to move on and start a better life. But I also feel like i've grown so much in just the last few months. I want things I never thought I wanted, I feel things i've never felt before. It's really weird.
Things with new guy are still amazing. I feel like im in a dream or something when im with him. I forget all the drama going on and can just enjoy life when im with him. Things just feel right.

Leaving on a jet plane.

We leave tonight for FL. I can't believe i'll be divorced in a few days. It's kinda surreal. Im excited for this to be over but not to go to FL. It got up to 115 the other day, who in the world wants to hang out in that.
But New guy is coming tomorrow, so im excited to see him. It means a lot to me that he would be there for me, since no one else is.
Ugh I don't want to leave my house.

Whew!

These past few weeks have been crazy (with no end in sight). I can't remember what I last updated so i'll start with Thursday. I flew to my parents Thursday afternoon. Nice flight, on time, very smooth. Things went really well at my parents (which is very rare). Things got a bit tense this morning, but it wasn't bad. Anyway We took kiddo swimming in the river, grilled and sat outside watching the sunset. Very nice night.
Yesterday I woke up early and took kiddo into town for breakfast. The town they live by is a VERY hippy, college town. We ate at this organic foods/ bagel shop with all the wanna be hippies and hung over college kids. Always fun. After that we drove by my old house (when I say we, I mean kiddo and I), and headed over to a mini amusement park. I had never been there, since I only lived there 2ish year and it was geared towards younger kids. But it was really neat, kiddo met Dora and rode a ton of rides. After that I took her back to my parents, and for once got to have them babysit. This is very rare for me, their majorly anti-babysitting (I ask them 3 or 4 times a year which is WAY to much according to my dad @@). I ended up going to see Transformers with Kiddo's aunt on her dads side. And out to eat after. It was just an awesome day.
This morning we sat outside and talked while kiddo played. It got a bit tense during a convo about school and me getting a job. My father is very much against me being a stay at home mom. I can afford it, and do plan on working when she goes back to school, so I don't see why it matters. Im debt free, not on any aid, have a house and 2 cars fully paid for, money invested (so Iam making money). Having that time with kiddo is more valueable to me then working. But my family is a workaholic family so thats why he feels the way he does.
But I just let it go and said i'd look into going back to school. I have thought about it, and there is something i'd like to do, but not until Kiddo is in school.
For some crazy reason everyone is being super supportive about my relationship with new guy. It's the first time in my life people are being so supportive. And instead of telling me to take my time everyone is saying to follow my heart!! I almost feel like everyone has gone insane, and now Im the sane person.
It's not that I dont like new guy, I do, a lot! But I need to know what I feel is true and wont wear off. I think it is true, and I can't imagine this wearing off, but i've never felt this before. I don't 100% trust my judgment. I feel like what are the odds of me finding the person I feel could be "the one" and him feeling the same way about me. He's so sure of everything, how do these crazy 1 in a million things keep happening to me? I still feel undeserving of this love, and yet here it is.
I could see us pregnant before the end of the year, thats how quickly things are happening. Im trying my hardest to slow everything down, but I can't help the way I feel. I wasn't planning on really dating for awhile, let alone jumping into something this fast.
I can't find ANYTHING I dont like about the guy! He's a good father, treats his mom well, treats me like a queen, love my daughter, wants a ton of kids, knows how to cook, clean up after himself, doesnt speak bad about his ex, loves life, can make me laugh, And I can be myself around him. He's perfect. He's loyal, trustworthy, and honest! It almost seems to good to be true.
I've talked about this with a few friends in the last few days and asked if they think im crazy, and everyone has said they think i'd be crazy for not keeping this guy. And that theres no right or wrong time frame for a relationship to progress. You can know the moment you meet someone that you want to be with this person forever, or it may take you years.

wow!

This weekend was the most amazing weekend! I can't believe in such a short time how things have changed. We left for camp on Friday afternoon. It's about 45 minutes to an hour away. Way out in the middle of nowhere. It's also right on a lake :)- We just hung out and did normal camp stuff (arts and crafts, chapel, diner, campfire, kiddo ran around with friends). Saturday new guy brought over his kids, and I got to meet them. Such nice respectful kids! The meeting went a billion times better then I thought it would. I think it helps I have a daughter. As a step child I totally was expecting them to act the way I would when I'd meet my dads girlfriends. But they were very nice and got on with my daughter like they had known her forever. Kiddo I think may have a mini crush on his son, where ever that kid went kiddo was 2 steps behind. It was cute.
I ended up getting baptized on Sunday, and new guy came to watch which was nice. He wasn't ready to take that step, but he did meet with a pastor and might be heading that way, which is awesome. That night he took kiddo and I (as well as his kids) to have dinner at his parents.
His parents own a large crop farm in the middle of Amish country. OMG this place was to die for! I felt like I had died and gone to heaven there. They have a cute perfect size farm house that looks like something you would see in better homes and gardens magazine. Everything was picture perfect, breath taking. They had a bunch of people over (friends and family). Kiddo struck up a friendship with a group of little Amish girls :)- It was the cutest thing i've ever seen. His mother is an amazing cook and hostess. Both of his parents were awesome to kiddo and I. They treated us as family and were so welcoming. After dinner his dad took some of the kids on a twilight "hay" ride around the farm. I was a dream come true.
I could of stayed there forever. And his mom, wow is all I can say. I've never had an issue with boyfriends parents liking me, but i've never had someone like me so much that I felt so welcomed and like I had been in the family forever. She was so sweet, and I had a blast chatting with her. They seem really hands on with his kids and were so loving with mine. At one point his mom said something like I hope this one is finally it, I want more grandkids. My parents are so not hands on with my daughter.
So it was the best weekend i've had in a really long time.

My boyfriend :)

Sooo new guy and I are officially together now :) Im very happy with this. Last night after kiddo went to bed (all the kids stayed at my aunts) I went out with new guy, Fred and his wife, H and the guys shes off and on with, Bob and a few of his friends. We went to a few different bars, before we settled at one. Im not really a bar person (they lost there cool when I turned 21), but it was fun none the less. Played pool and darts, and I drank WAY to much. Im not really a big drinker (once again it lost its cool when I became old enough to legally drink)so a few drinks and im good to go. New guy had a few beers but he isn't the lightweight Iam lol. We were all the way across town so I just stayed the night at his house (which was the plan from the start).
We were going to stay in different rooms (me in his bed and he'd sleep somewhere else) but ended up sleeping together (as in the same room, not having sex). So we still weren't "together", and hadn't done anything but hug and hold hands by this point.
Woke up this morning and he made me breakfast in bed. When we were done he said something along the lines of "hey can you do something for me" (it was early so this may not be word for word what was said), and then I said depends on what it is, and he said "would you not date other guys". Caught me off guard! LOL I think i said something like if I agree to that does that mean we're together, like boyfriend and girlfriend together? I felt kinda silly after I said that, but he thought it was "cute" and said yeah. Of course I agreed and that's how we got together lol.
Of course after that we FINALLY kissed. I asked him why he didn't make a move on me last night and he said he wanted to wait until we were a couple and that I was sober and remember it :) Such a nice guy. I don't think any guy i've ever dated would pass up a chance to get with me while drunk. Which is why I don't drink much, i'll do just about anything. I have a stupid butterfly tattoo on my lower back to prove it (and thank God the tattoo shop was closed or else last year I would of got MILF on my ass).
It was kinda nice to just make out. I feel like i move so fast with guys (in bed) and it was nice to slow it down. I mean things are moving kinda fast relationship wise, but I like that. Im not really (or i wasnt) a believer of love at first sight, but i've always known in the first couple days of being with someone if I love them or not. It's never something thats come over time. If I don't have those feelings for you right away then I never will.
Its weird because I feel like things are sudden and not all at the same time. If you look at the big picture i've been waiting forever for him. Most people by 26 have found someone awesome. I've found losers who have treated me bad. But short term I guess this is sudden. Im not even divorced yet, and besides dating guy #2 for a few days, i've been single just for a few months. It's crazy thinking about how everything has lead me to right here. If I didn't get pregnant (or abort) I wouldn't be here. I'd be back in NC doing nothing, and not putting any effort into finding someone else.
I know it's way soon, and i may regret ever typing this but I kinda feel like he's the one. Its way early I know. Theres a million reasons why that sounds crazy, but I still feel it. He just makes me so happy, and we get on so well. I also feel like I don't have to guess with him, i feel like we're on the same page as far as feelings go (and no it's not just because i snooped around his blog).
I get to meet his kids on Monday :) They'll be back from camp today, but Kiddo and I are going to my camp. I've been going to camp since I was a few days old. Its a church camp (through the church i grew up in), but this is the first time i've went since i was 20. Im not going for the full, only the weekend. But kiddo should have a blast and really enjoy it. It's where my first husband and I met. He'll be there this time as well

Crafty me

I'm a bath and body products addict, which I guess is pretty normal being that im female. I LOVE sugar scrubs, like if theres one in a store I HAVE to buy it. I must have 5 or 6 at home now. I go through them like crazy. But there kinda pricy and it's always the same scents over and over.
So I made my own :) Its super simple and quite a money saver. I used this recipe-
http://www.recipezaar.com/Simple-Sugar-Scrub-92027

Ingredients
1 clear plastic jar
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
lemon juice (optional)
scented essential oils (optional)

Directions
1mix the sugar and olive oil in the plastic container. I do not recomend using a glass jar for this, since you will most likely have this in your bathroom.

2add any optional scents you like. I have discovered that adding peppermint oil or orange oil helps refresh you, while lavender is more soothing. My favorite oil to use is sandlewood.

3to use: place some on a wash cloth and rub in circles anywhere you need exfoliation. After letting it sit for awhile the sugar may settle to the bottom, so it may be necessary to shake this up a little before using.

I didn't use the lemon juice, used brown sugar instead of white, and bought a ton of other oils instead of EVOO.
For the first batch I used grapeseed oil, plus a dash of a few others. And I used an Orange EO. The oragne was DD's (for anyone not up on message board lingo thats dear daughter, why they use dear I dont know) choice. I bought everything from a health food grocery store, but im guessing out could find some of it at walmart.

Also check out http://saveonscents.com/ for a HUGE list of scents.

End of my rope

Im so fucking miserable. Im dead tired but can't fucking sleep :( My mind races and i cant seem to get comfy. Last week I got a RX for Ambien and may go fill it tomorrow. I've only taken mild PM meds before, never a sleep aid. I dont want to take it, but I can't function like this. All day im so woren out and then come night I get maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I worry about driving and stuff because im that tired!
I talked to the new guy about it a little while ago and he wants to take me tomorrow to go get natural things to help me sleep, but im so fucking tired I dont even want to try it. I just want sleep at this point and I don't care how I get it.
Im wondering if some of it has to do with my issues of being alone. I hate being alone at night.

I did a bad bad thing

So I know stuff I shouldn't know because I snooped. Okay I didn't snoop, a girl friend of mine did. Okay okay I tried to, but didn't find anything I didn't already know. New guy has a blog, and while it's not as hush hush as mine im not sure he wants me seeing it (or atleast yet). Of course I did the whole google search thing, who doesn't do that?! But I was talking to a girl friend while doing it and she found a blog (this bitch can find out anything on anyone, I swear she should become a PI). I wasn't going to read it, but I mean how could you not?! So I know his feelings about me and what not. It's all good, nothing bad and I guess nothing I couldn't of guessed, I just feel bad. I suppose the "right" thing to do would be to tell him and link him to my blogs (i have 2 my semi private one and this one). I hope he finds some humor in it. I feel bad knowing things that are private and he hasn't told me yet. Like tomorrow he's sending me flowers, and he's going to try and work up the guts to kiss me. Gives me butterflies just thinking about it, but I really shouldn't know that. And if for any reason it doesn't happen then i'll be let down.
He met my daughter today :) Of course she loved him, you would have to be a major ass for her not to like you. He brought her some M&M's (her favorite candy) so she was into him right off the bat. He took us out for ice cream, and just hung out for a bit. Im dead tired, but of course kiddo is wired from all the sugar.

Sassy

So this morning kiddo asks me for a sippy, I say okay and go and make one. While im making it I cut up some strawberries as a snack before breakfast. You know being the nice mother that Iam, and feeding my child. I bring the sippy and strawberries to her and she goes "Mother I asked for a sippy, not a sippy and strawberries! You need to listen better". Who does this kid think she is?!?! I had to talk to her about the way she speaks to me because she's getting a bit sassy. I guess that comes along with having a 3 year old.
Of course the new guy and I stayed up way late on the phone again. This needs to be put to a stop. Im dead tired from 2 nights of barely sleeping and im not feeling so well today. Im sure he's pooped all day at work as well. I love talking to him and getting to know him, but I have to be able to function lol.
I know i've said it a million times, but he's such a nice guy. Which is weird because by his picture I assumed he'd be an ass. Works out a lot, nice body, just that im an ass type of look. Totally didn't seem like the nice guy romantic type. And normally I wouldn't even go for that, but it's different with him. All the nice romantic stuff he does really impresses me since i've never had a guy do it.
He's going to meet my daughter tonight :) Just as a friend of course. It would be a while before any of the kids know we're together (assuming of course we get together).

I hate night

I hate night time. I've never been one to stay up late, I enjoy my sleep. But lately I dread it. I stay up as late as I can so that by the time I go and lay down Im so tired that I fall right asleep. I hate just laying there with nothing else to do but think. While things are good right now, my mind always comes back to the not so good things of the past. Im so unhappy with some of the choices i've made...
On to a different subject, the point of writing this was to get my mind off of those things. I talked to the new guy tonight about everything on my list. And he's okay with it all, which makes me feel even more unworthy of someone like that. I dont accept myself so why should anyone else. I think I shocked him at first putting everything out there, but he was so nice about it. I explained the abortion and the first thing he asked was if I was all right. He said he feels like he's been waiting for me for a long time and that he isn't going to let the ups and downs of life get in the way of seeing where this may go. In the last 24 hours i've seen him 3 times but it still doesn't feel like enough. He's so upfront with me, which i've never had. For some reason I seem to find the guys who like to play games. Which now as a mom, I don't have time for. If you dont like me and dont want to be with me then let me know, dont waste my time.
I think he likes me just as much as I like him. We have so much incommon, and I love that he's a parent. He can totally relate when it comes to all the craziness that comes along with that. He's also been married so theres 0 weirdness with that. He also wants more kids (yay), and with being 36 would like them soon. Not that we're moving that fast or anything, but it's nice to know that if things should work out that its on the table. I would hate to put the time and effort into someone only to find out later on they dont want something I do.
We're not "together" as of right now, but I do see it happening in the future. He's just such a nice guy! I kinda feel like God sent him to me in my time of need. I've been very lucky that at the worst times in my life someone comes in and helps me through it.
Things just feel different with him :)

The good news, and the bad.

The good news is last night around 12 my date texted asking if I was up, I texted back that I was and if something was wrong. Nothing was wrong, he just wanted to talk. We ended up talking until around 3am :)He also came and got me for breakfast this morning. Im in total awe of him, how is a guy like this single? How is someone like this into me? I don't get guys like this!
The bad news, I don't know how realistic dating him is. For many reasons
1- While from the outside looking in I seem to be doing well, considering last week, Im not. Im really having a hard time with guilt and accepting my actions. The idea of dating is awesome, but to really date someone scares the heck out of me right now. Figures I wait 26 years to meet someone like this and the timing couldn't be more off.
2- Even if I get past those feelings I refuse to be dishonest in a relationship again. I have to be honest about last week. It's impossible for me to go on many more dates and him not know. Plus at the rate we're going i'd assume sex would come up in the next few dates. I can't lie about why I cant. This will most likely scare him off. BUT if it doesnt it I worry about him telling Fred at a later date. I need to know he can be trusted with things. There are things I need to be upfront about from the start that i'd rather my family didn't know.
3- We both have kids, and are dating has to be okay by them. Im not worried about my daughter liking him (she likes everyone, but his kids very well might like me. He also has to be good with my daughter, and while I believe he would be (since he has kids and seems to be a great dad) you just never know.
4- I don't live here and while the idea of moving there has crossed my mind (before meeting him) I haven't made up my mind yet. I need to do what is best for my daughter and I and not just to be with a guy. But even if I did move there it would be a few months away and that very well could be a deal breaker.
5- future kids have to be on the table. Which is a super hard question to ask someone you just met. But if he is 100% he doesn't want anymore kids then it's best to get out before we invest more into the relationship. I can wait years, it's not like im asking for them tomorrow, but I have to know it will happen.
Figures I meet someone and all these issue come up. Im so scared of fully letting someone in and getting my heart broken. I've always been guarded and have never let ANYONE all the way in. I also question my feelings for a lot of people i've thought I loved. I felt something so strong for guy #1 and after feeling that I truly wonder if i've ever trully loved past boyfriends. I had never felt like that. But with this new guy I feel a super strong connection with him. More so then guy #1. And im wondering if maybe the feelings aren't as strong as I think, but because i've never felt it before that it's more then it is.
It's all so confusing. I wish things could just be easy for once.

Holy crap!

Sooo it's a bit past 11 and I JUST got home from my date. Im stunned at how tonight turned out. This guy is AMAZING! I can't remember the last time I had this much fun with a guy! I don't know if I ever have. Or if i've ever hit it off like this with a guy. Totally tossed me through a loop!
My day-
Kiddo and I woke up this morning and went swimming. We pretty much hung by the pool the whole morning, not a bad way to start off the day lol. We went over to my aunts store and helped out a bit. I love being in the store, it's like being in home decore heaven for me lol. After that just hung around the house and waited for kiddo to be picked up by freds wife for a sleepover (recap-fred is my older cousin, he's married with 2 kids, 2 boys). They are having a bunch of the kids over for movies/popcorn and a sleepover. Since school is out they do this twice a week (i think my cousin in law wants a ton of kids but fred doesn't so she settles for taking any kid she can get her hands on to babysit). My Aunt was gonna babysit for me, but this worked out better. It also helps my kiddo is the only young female cousin besides 1 thats a few months old. So everyone wants to hang out with her lol.
Once they picked her up I just hung out until my female cousin H came. She helped me get ready, doing my hair and helping pick out an outfit. She's a single mother (the mother of the only other girl on this side of the family, and she has 1 son), we've never been close until now. She's in her 30's so theres a big age difference.
Anywho it was quite a challange letting her help me get ready. She has some allergy problems and can't be around certain things (animals,seafood, cant touch latex, plus a ton of others) my Aunt has 5 golden's (3 we're my aunts and the other 2 were my cousins until this allergy stuff came up). So H has to stay outside. It's a huge pain in the butt because she can't really travel and can barely work.
I left for my date around 5:15ish, got there at 5:20. This time the guy was waiting for me, no being late (already off to a great start). We chatted for awhile outside at the sports bar, then went for a walk. We talked about anything and everything, it felt like talking to someone i've known forever. He was an awesome listener and seemed really into me. He admitted he's never dated another parent before and that it was nice to have someone that could relate to him.
He has 2 kids, a boy 16, and girl 14. Their at summer camp right now, and the mother is barely in their life (drugs/alcohol problem plus immature). He's an ex Marine and has a construction company. He hasn't dated much since getting divorced because he was either in the Marines, working on starting his own business, or his kids never liked the women he'd bring home.
He already knew alittle about me since he's friends with Fred. Like he knew about something I did in my teens because my cousin Fred was involved in it (got into some trouble when my parents were out of town and Fred had to come and force me to leave some people I was with). Kinda odd he remembered it, but I guess one less story I have to explain in the future. He also knew I was going through a 2nd divorce, and was really able to relate since he had been through it before. He knows my childs father and I were never in a relationship, and that im at an odd place right now. And he didn't run off screaming! lol My issues didn't seem to phase him at all!
We sat outside and just talked until like 10:45! He held my hand at the end of our date :) My heart just about melted. Sounds lame I know, but i've never felt like this. We didn't kiss :( Thats the only downside of the night. God I hope he calls me again. I'd be so let down if he didn't. Im on cloud nine right now :)

Back so soon

Now im really freaked out for my date tomorrow, because tonights was horrible! LOL we had nothing in common and he was a dumbass. I got to the pizza place a few minutes early, picked out a table and the fucker was late. Almost late enough that if he wasn't there in the next 5 minutes i was gonna leave. He was given my cell phone number so there was no reason not to call. Didn't say sorry for being late or anything. I kept asking questions and would get 1 word answers and then nothing. He texted a bunch and was a sloppy eater. I have no idea why I was set up with him. Im not super close with my cousins, but geez they should atleast know we wouldn't be a good match. Geez if tomorrow goes like this then im done letting them set me up with anyone. I even thought about canceling but that would be rude.
I think what the issue was is the guy tonight is friends with my ex hubby #2's sister. My whole family is very close to their family so my cousin (we'll call this one bob because this is getting confusing) Bob is really good friends with the Ex's sister. Normally not a big deal but im sure he got some crap for going out with me and was just pretending to be rude, because I dont see how ANYONE could really be this rude.
The guy im going out with tomorrow isn't friends with the ex's family, so that should help. He's my older cousin's (we'll call him Fred) friend (bob is my age, fred is 40 or close to it).

Im here

Kiddo and I made it safely up north :) Today was insane!! I had to drive DF (daughters father) about an hour and a half north so he could catch his ride to some concert thing. No doubt some stoner fest (bonnaroo maybe?) come back and wait for some furniture to be dropped off (omg looks amazing), drive an hour south and catch our flight. All before 2. Busy busy. But sooooo worth it. Im in love with my new furniture! I've been wanting to break out of my comfort zone and try something other then neutral colors. So I got a couch with red pin sripes! I was starting to rethink my choice today, until it got to the house. AMAZING! LOL. I found an cute trunk to use as a coffe table, got 2 leather chairs, and this huge entry way piece.
I've been on a bit of a shopping spree lately and need to get that in check. I ordered some new bedding for my daughter (plus a new bedroom set), new bedroom furniture for me, the stuff I list above and a new dining room table. Plus like $200 in organizational pantry stuff. I <3 href="http://www.oxo.com/OA_HTML/ibeCCtpSctDspRte.jsp?section=10421&minisite=10024&respid=53057">OXO - Food Storage. Plus I still need some more new stuff. But the one room in my house that has furniture right now looks wonderful.
I almost had a panic attack today on the plane. No reason why, just lost it for a moment. The whole positive thinking really help tho. It took me a minute but I got control over my thoughts and feelings and was able to let go of everything that was bothering me. I was thinking back to when I last got asked out. A few weeks ago on vacation in a big city my daughter and I were grocery shopping (yes i grocery shop on vacation) and I met a nice guy just by chance there. I was doing the whole positive thinking then and in an awesome mood. I looked a mess (had been traveling all day), and in PJ's but this guy still asked me out! I think my attitude had everything to do with it. I very easily could of been in a horrible mood. I found out a huge secret guy #1 had been keeping from me (getting engaged) a few days eariler, had a bad day traveling (drove way out of my way for something we didnt go to, and due to lack of restrooms kiddo peed her pants), and had a hell of a time finding this grocery store. But still I was in such a great mood.
So even tho I want to cry right now and am still in shock over this whole week I refuse to be sad and let anger get the best of me. I hope after time this will come naturally and I wont have to put much thought in it. I have to much to be happy and thankful for and only so much time to enjoy it.
My aunt and uncle are awesome, im so thankful for them. I haven't told them (and never would) about the abortion, but they know im going through a lot right now. I love being at their house. It's like an escape from the world. They live very close to the downtown area of the city they live in, but they have so much land (15 acre's I think) that's all fenced in you feel like your in your own little bubble. The house is in a u type of shape with a pool and yard being in the middle part of the u and thats fenced in from the rest of the yard. My aunt and I have a lot of the same style (English country shabby chic meets tradisonal) so it's like staying in a dream. So pretty. She's also an artist so it's even cooler to know a lot of the stuff around the house she made! Plus my cousins are always coming and going. Theres always people here.
I wish things could be better between my dad and I. I feel like everytime we take a step forward we take 2 back. He's always judging me and putting down any choice I make. But the more I think about it the less I think it has to do with me and more about him and issues he has. While I don't always make the best choices, i've always been a good daughter. Most of the things I did in my youth he doesn't know about, so its not like he's holding that against me. I think it's more about how he was raised and things that happened in my childhood (death of family members and such). My dad is the youngest out of his siblings and my grandparents due to work were gone a lot. Like months at a time. They moved out when he was 15 and left him to raise himself. Which explains a lot. So im going to try and put forth an effort to get along.
Im way nervous about my dates. I keep telling myself its going to be awesome and everything will be fine, but ahhhhh im scared lol. Im going with the first guy to a cute little pizza place on the river. I have no idea what to wear! It's dinner at a semi romantic place. Dress? Skirt? Jeans? No clue. I'll most likely have one of my female cousins come and help me. I should have a report this time tomorrow.

Attract More Romance - Personals Articles
Psychologist William James once wrote, "The greatest discovery of my generation is that man can alter his life simply by altering his attitude."
Since then, scientists studying the nature of consciousness have confirmed this observation many times over: Our thoughts matter tremendously. They aren't sealed in a jar in our heads; they are active agents of change, shaping our lives for good or ill. "The power of positive thinking" is more than a catchy book title or a feel-good phrase uttered by television talk-show hosts. Turns out that maintaining a steady flow of optimistic, upbeat thoughts is imperative for anyone who wants to succeed. That includes people hoping to attract romance into their lives. Consider these two hypothetical approaches:
Sandra arises each morning and dreads being "alone" another day. Her apartment feels empty without a companion. She thinks with regret about past failures and lost romantic opportunities. She remembers the good-looking guy at work who asked for her phone number yesterday -- but feels afraid to hope for a call. I don't know how much more disappointment I can take, she thinks. She scarfs down a jelly donut for breakfast (though she isn't really hungry) and forces herself to look presentable for work (though her heart isn't it). At the end of the day, some co-workers invite her to a local comedy club. She declines, preferring to go home and watch TV. Her last thought before she falls asleep is, When is it going to be my turn to fall in love?
Robert, by contrast, rises early for a workout before heading to the office. He finds excuses to strike up conversations with others at the gym. He thinks that chance connections and synchronicities that might lead to meeting someone can happen anywhere, anytime. At his favorite bagel shop, he jokes and flirts with the cashier. He is captain of his company's co-ed softball team, and emphasizes the "co-ed" part of the roster when recruiting new members. On the wall above his desk there is a sticky note that reads, "Carpe diem -- Seize the day." His last thought before going to sleep is, I'm one day closer to having what I want.
These sketches illustrate opposite ends of the thought spectrum. But here's the point: Which of these two attitudes is more attractive? By now the answer should be obvious. To make sure your attitude is attractive...
Pay attention to your thoughts.To assess the health of your attitude, listen to your mental dialogue. Remember that you are the boss over what goes on in your mind. Steer the conversation toward hopeful, positive expectations.
Be mindful of what you say.Your thoughts are like an arrow made of positive or negative intention. Words are the bow that fires them off into the world. And they will land where you aim.
Act as if...Suppose you knew that today you'd meet someone special. How would it change the way you behave? Make a list of those things -- then live every day that way.
In your quest for love, adjust your attitude upward, remain persistently positive, and expect the best. Then get ready to experience it.

I blog to much

I blog way to much. I think it's because I have a lack of adults to talk to (my daughters father doesn't count as an adult). As of right now I have 2 dates lined up! Very exciting, but kinda scary! I don't date, never have. Most people I get into a relationship with are friends, and then I just keep coming back to the same guys. So im kinda excited about going out with someone new. I did go on a "coffee" date in DC but it wasn't like a date date. Makes tons of sense, right? LOL. Im going on the first one on Sunday afternoon ( I go up north tomorrow), and the 2nd Monday night!!
The first guy is 2 years older then me (28), a chemical engineer (i believe one of the many things my cousin went to school for was this), and sounds like a pretty fun guy. Im the most excited about him :) Clean cut, blonde, tall (i've seen pics). No kids, never been married.
The 2nd guy is 10 years older then me, and owns a construction company. I've met him a few times before but barely remember him. He's friends with an older cousin of mine (well he's friends with the cousin my age setting me up but better friends with my older cousin). I think the last time I saw him was a female cousins wedding when I was 14. He has 2 kids, a boy 16 and a girl 14. And he's been married once. I've also seen pics of him and while he's not my type, he's good looking.
So I shall have lots to talk about in the next few days. I hope good things lol.
I think going up north is just what I need right now. Gets my mind off of things. We're going to be going to my Aunts lake house (she has boats and wave runners), 4 wheeling, shopping, BBQ's, swimming. Im so excited. I have a feeling if I dont go to the USVI I'll move up there.

Not myself

I feel so needy and not like myself. I wanted to get together with guy #1 and he said no and it totally made me a mess. I have no idea why. I normally woudnt care and wouldn't of given it a 2nd thought but for some reason it really hurt. I think because I feel like its all about him, whats best for him and what he wants. He never puts me first or thinks of me, kinda a selfish person. I wanted to scream at him and say you know I did something I didn't really want to do FOR YOU and yet you can't do this one thing for me. Asshole. And it's not like I could even have sex or anything (can't have sex for 2 weeks) so theres 0 risk of that. Im about ready to give up on our friendship. He hasn't been that great of a friend. I thought I really loved him, and maybe I did but i'd never want to be with someone who does so many hurtful things. Guys are dumb, sometimes I wish i was into girls because it just seems so much easier lol.
On a positive note im going up north to visit some family. I was just up there last month but I really don't want to be alone now. My childs father is good friends with one of my cousins and trying to get him to set me up on a date with someone. ROFL Sounds weird rereading that. I think I may try it even tho I have super low hopes. For one its a bit soon to jump into dating and two I don't trust them to pick out anyone date worthy. But i'll try:) Should make for a good story lol. My cousin is WAYYYYYYY different then me and I cant imagine he'd be friends with anyone I'd be into. He's my age but still in college (he's one of those weirdo's who would stay in college forever if he could). Plus he's a bit of a hippie.
I'd love to really date right now, but I don't think im ready. I need to work on myself before getting into anything with someone else. I've been through a lot this year and while I hate being alone it may be for the best.
I ordered some new clothes VS :) I hardly ever buy anything for myself, so it was nice to get a few things. Victoria's Secret - Wide-strap babydoll Bra Top This is my new favorite shirt! Makes the boobies look awesome with no bra! I normally always have to wear a bra because im not an A cup and those built in bras are wimpy lol. But this one is awesome.

Mixing alcohol and pains meds, not such a good thing. Maybe im not as okay as i thought i was.

So life is back to "normal". Im a mess inside but have to put on a happy normal front. My daughter needs to be cared for, I have remodel stuff to do, things needed to be ordered, bills to pay. As much as I want the world to stop and let me be said, it wont :(
I feel way needy right now, sucks being single and not have anyone to go through this with me and hold me. My childs father is here, and yesterday so was his sister but it's not the same. I wish guy #1 would of been there for me. He didn't even call!
I guess this was for the best. I remember how wrong it felt after my daughter was born not to have a loving father for her. Her father and I were on really bad terms, but even now he still isn't a dad to her. The best thing you can do for your child is give them 2 parents who love and are commited to each other. I want to do this the right way. I want to be married, and I don't want finding out im pregnant to be a bad thing. I want the childs father to be excited and not think of him/her as ruining his life.
I want to be madly in love. I want to find someone that even after years together still gives me butterflies. If I sit around being sad I waste another day of finding that person. I need to work through this instead of letting the pain and guilt eat away at me again. I have to for my daughter.
I dont feel worthy of ever finding that, but i guess I can atleast try.
Guy #2 called me yesteray :) After swearing he hated me and told me he hoped I died he called to check in on me. We didn't talk, he talked to my daughters father, but he from what I was told he seemed worried. Now really isnt the time for us to work out our issues but its nice to know he doesn't wish me dead anymore.

Life goes on I guess. All i want to do is sleep and be sad, but life wont let me. Ugh I hate the world right now.

There is no way to win in this situation. Theres nothing I can do to keep everyone from being hurt. Do I hurt myself and child so that everyone else doesnt get hurt? Or do I hurt everyone else so that my child and I are okay. I know it would be hard to bring another child into the world, im not living in fantasy world. Been there, done that I get it. But there is no part of me that regrets bring my daughter into this world, no matter how hard it is at times. So much of me would regret aborting. I know this. Guy #1 seems to think this will fade over time. It doesn't, in fact for me I just feel worse about it. I think about it every single day.
He treated me just like my first ex did. I think thats been the most hurtful thing about this. He had said to me before he liked the idea that i could possibly be pregnant, and that if we ever got together again he'd want to have unprotected sex again. He's also "claimed" to be pro-life and in the past had even made me feel guilty for my choices. But now when push comes to shove he's totally different. He has no idea what he's done to me. Atleast my ex had the excuse of being 18 and just out of highschool. He has no excuse for his actions. Makes me really glad he is with the other girl because this has made me see his true colors. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who could EVER treat me like that.
I should of stood up for myself the first time. I haven't made up my mind either way yet. I thought I had but being that I really dont want to lie to anyone i pretty much told guy #1 my plan. I shouldnt of spoke up but i didnt know what else to do.

Pissed off

Im really fucking pissed of at guy #1. Iam a little at guy #2, but i understand where he's coming from. He's not mad about the pregnancy, he's mad I lied and cheated on him. He has every right to feel the way he does. I understand why he would pull away from me right now. But guy #1 I thought was a good guy. He's someone I thought would be there for me atleast as a friend. Im totally shocked he's acting the way he is towards me. I get it I lied about taking the morning after pill (i was so positive i wasnt ovulating, and i didn't think he came in me). He says he's not mad but I can tell its a lie. I can tell he wants nothing to do with me. I want him to say im making the right choice going through with this and we'll atleast try to work on our friendship.
I love him so much but he's acting kinda like my first ex i got pregnant with.
Fuck them both. Why should I do something that I know in my heart is wrong, for them? Guy #1 used me for sex. He's not getting it in his relationship so why not fuck the easy girl and have the best of both worlds. He knew I loved him and wanted to be with him yet he totally fucked with me. Why should I care what he has to lose when he doesnt even think of me. Im just someone he uses to pass the time at work.
Im keeping my child and as of tomorrow will cut off all contact with both guys. I wont be showing by the time I leave for the USVI so only very few people I know IRL will know im pregnant. I have no idea how i'll keep it from getting back to guy #2 since we have a lot of the same friends, but i doubt he would even care. Guy #1 shouldnt be to hard since we don't have any of the same friends, and its not like our families are friends. If I dont allow him on myspace or facebook it should never be an issue. I know this is crazy, no one needs to tell me that. And I know on some level it is wrong. As much as im pissed off at guy #1 I dont want to ruin his life. I dont want to force him to be a father, if he is in fact the father. I know he most likely would step up but I would imagine he'd always blame me and this child for ruining his life. Should it be guy #1's he wont want any part of it anyway.
I know I said I wouldnt talk about it but I have to get it out. I believe in my heart it's guy #1's for a couple of reasons. This may boarder on TMI but when we had sex I was really wet, like more so then normal. I just thought he really turned me on, but now thinking about it I think I was ovulating. When a woman ovulates theres some mucus and that would kinda explain things. He noticed this to, so im not out of my mind. 2- I dont think I could of got a positive blood test had it been guy #2. 3- the time line with guy #1 was closer to the time I thought I ovulated. 4- He did get a bit in me and the rest was in that area, when I cleaned myself off I wasn't very careful about how I wiped, so I may of got more in there. Of course I could never tell him this, but it feels good to let it go.
It's odd but it feels like a weight has been taken off. I know in my heart things will be okay. I love this baby so much. I dont care what they want, im doing whats best.

I wish I could talk to someone about how Im feeling. I can talk to my daughters father, but thats not who i want to talk to. I want to talk to both of the guys. I wish I could tell them how I feel. Guy #1 says he doesnt hate me, but i dont believe him. I can tell his feelings for me aren't the same. I feel like if im going to lose my friends no matter what then why go forward ending everything? I mean its not like id be kicking them out of my life so really why harm myself even more. They wanted me out, and why should i be left with nothing? Loseing the 2 guys I care the most about AND a child is more then I can bare.

Last night was hell. I think I got maybe an hour of sleep. I had to go back to the doctor this morning to talk about my options. I thought there was a waiting period but I guess not, I go in tomorrow (my 26th b-day) to end my pregnancy. So now i've gotten pregnant on my b-day (with my daughter) and ended a pregnancy on my b-day. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my b-day @@. If I don't do it now then I wont do it. My heart says dont do it, but my brain says you have to, but i dont know how much longer that will last. It just feels like the wrong thing.
Could I be a single mom of 2 kids? I didnt know if I could do it with my daughter and here iam. I may not be the best mom but i do try. Its weird because I knew from the moment I got pregnant with my daughter that i would keep her, but I wasn't in love with her like Iam this child. I never felt a bond with her until I gave birth. I feel such a bond with this one already, all I want to do is protect him/her. It's such an indescribable feeling. I felt a bond the instant I was told I was pregnant. It didnt make it any less scary, but it was slightly comforting. I know this is all sorts of wrong, but both of the guys I was with want me to abort. What if I just cut off contact with them, moved to the USVI? God that sounds crazy. I want to protect everyone, I want life to go on as normal for them, but what about me? I've been thinking about everyone else but what about whats best for me. It would really be a win win. They could not only go on as normal but have me out of their lives. All I seem to do is fuck things up for people. And how would my ex even know I was pregnant? Unless they made me take a pregnancy test theres no way anyone would know. It could be final in just a few weeks, so i'd be in the clear with that.
Every hour that goes on I get closer and closer to not going forward with this. I know what im thinking is crazy, and not the right way of going about things. I watched a show awhile back about this guy trying to find his father. The mother never told the guy she was pregnant because she didnt want to ruin his life. But it turns out the guy was an awesome guy and would of stepped up. But I remember sitting there thinking what a bitch this lady was from keeping her child from his father. I know she meant well, but it was still shitty. But if it were between life and death would what she did be so crappy? If that was the only way that child could live, wouldnt that be better then aborting? I have a little over 24 hours to make up my mind.

How can someone who is such an awesome friend be such a crappy father? I dont get it. My daughters father is amazing to me, he's good to our daughter but not in a fatherly type of way. Like a big brother or uncle type of way. He gives the best advice and can make me smily even when something horrible happens. I totally lost it for a moment and freaked out. Thank God for him. I feel so unworthy of someone so awesome. He desnt agree or disagree with what i feel is best which helps. Last thing i want to do is talk to someone who tells me what should be done. He's going to come and help me and be there for me when the time comes. I've never had any be there for me, ever during an abortion/miscarriage or when i carried my daughter to term. He wasn't there for me during my pregnancy with my daughter. Maybe he's trying to make up for it, i dont know. But no one has ever been there. The first time my ex was at the doctors office with me but only because i had to have a ride after and he wanted to make sure i went through with it. He wouldn't come back and hold my hand during the exam, or stay with me when it was time to take the 2nd pill. I know guy #2 would laugh in my face if i asked him to be there for me, and while guy #1 is a good guy, i dont think he'd be there either. Im pretty sure deep down he wants nothing to do with me and any feelings he did have have changed. So thank God for my childs father. How would I care for my daughter when it was time to take the 2nd pill? Who would drive me home from the doctors? It's so much more then just needing comfort. He was so calm and didn't freak out at all. Most likely shock, but still it helped. But he also wasn't all poor you, you poor thing. Which is not what I want at all. I have to talk to someone about it or else its going to eat me alive like before. I totally lost my mind before. The day I went to get the first pill , that night was a huge party at a friends house. My boyfriend expected me to go and act like nothing was wrong. It was the oddest feeling to walk through the door, have everyone know what was going on but go on like nothing happened. Not that i wanted everyone to treat me differently but it was just weird. Everyone was the same as they were the week before, yet i was a totally different person trying to be me old self. I dont think people get that just because its physically over doesnt mean someone is over it. I can handle death, i cant handle being the cause of it.
Im very scared of turning back into who I was after my first. Im scared i'll wake up the day after having it done and regret it. Im scared i'll not only lose my child but someone i consider to be a bestfriend. I think i could go on all night listing what im scared of.
I think I have a good idea who the father is, it explains a few things. I can't even tell a friend or write them down because i never want that to get out. I think its best they both think theres that chance it wouldnt be theirs.
I already love this child so much, sometimes i'll lose myself in a good thought and forget whats going to happen.

Im going to have 80 blogs tomorrow morning, most likely i'll make them all private but i cant talk about this. Guy #2 hates me, as in wishes me dead hates me. Not because im pregnant but because i cheated on him, and with someone i swear i wouldnt. Guy #1, well he says he doesnt hate me now but how could he not. How could he not think im a slut. Today was awesome it felt so great to hear he felt the same way about me. And now.. This changes everything. This is so selfish to think about but i cant help it. My heart is broken and beyond repair. I would give anything to take back telling them. I shouldnt of said anything. Id still be heart broken but id have my friends and over time life would be back to normal. How could anyone love me when i'v done this to them? The shock is starting to where off and im starting to freak out. I've hurt my friends, im about to kill my own child, and i'll never be the same person i was yesterday. I'll never be whole. I'll never be able to make up my actions to my daughter. I'll never get over this guilt. I know this because i've been there before. Granted the first 2 times were very different from this.
I was 18, in a really immature relationship and my b/f said he's kill himself if i went on. The 2nd was a few months after that and i was not in the right frame of mind. I drank pretty much all day everyday, i had no job, i couldnt care for myself. Now im an adult, i have a child, i should be able to handle another. I can afford him/her. Its all petty things keeping me from stepping up. I dont want to hurt those around me, so i hurt my own child. Guy #1 kept telling me he has more to lose, as if this is just an object that doesnt matter to me. I will lose my child.

Joke?

IS this a joke? I turn on the TV and whats on? Juno. Really? How is this even possible? How am I pregnant, and why does the world have to keep reminding me. Not that I would forget, but why does it need to rub it in my face. Is this how its going to be for the rest of my life? Everywhere I look im reminded of this? How much more shitty can this get.
I hope they dont make me wait a week, i dont know if i can go through this if i have that much time to think about it.

luck

Im pregnant. I cant believe I even just typed that. I need to get everything im feeling out of me before I do something bad. I have to keep almost everything in side because my daughter is always with me, all I want to do is freak out right now. I want to scream and just not be here. What the fuck was i thinking? who the fuck does the shit that i do? Im the shittiest mother in the world. I dont even deserve kids. There are so many women out there that would go to the end of the world and back to have a child yet cant. Then theres me. I might truly be the most fertile unworthy person. this is my 7th pregnancy. 7 fucking times.
I cant go on with this pregnancy. This will be the 3rd time i've ended a pregnancy. Theres not a day that goes by I dont think about the 2 I ended. A lot of times I sit and wonder why i let aubrey live, why her and why not them. What type of person ends their childs life? I feel like a murder. I am a murder. I swore to my self i'd never do this again, but i really have no other choice.
Im in total shock right now. I feel blank. I had no reaction when my doctor told me. And instead of being an adult and telling the guys I slept with I wrote something on facebook. WTF WAS I THINKING?!?! Now everyone wants to know whats going on and theres no one i want to talk about it with. Why in the world would i say something when i dont even want anyone to know? I must be crazy, that explains everything.
Im going tomorrow, the day before my b-day to talk about my options with my doctor and set up an appointment to murder my child. As a mother of a child i didnt kill it just feels so different then any other time. I have the urge to love and protect him/her but i know i cant. This child deserves so much better then me. My daughter deserves better. im an evil person, i hope i never get pregnant again.

Truth

I've an important lesson today: no matter how much I tell myself something, or blog about not wanting it, it doesn't mean thats how I truly feel. I've been lying to myself.
In one of my blogs I said something about not wanting to be with Guy #1 (the engaged guy) and thats so far from the truth. We have a connection like you wouldn't believe. It's something i've never felt before, for anyone and it kinda scares me that I wont find that again and will have to settle with 2nd best. I do really want him to stay with his fiance but I also want him to be with me. I wish I could just split him in half lol.
I wan't to marry him, I want to have his kids, I want to be the one he comes home to everyday. And it majorly sucks that it will never work out like that. And if it did I think we'd both feel guilt by being together (because it would hurt so many people). She sounds like a really nice person.
What kills me is I had a chance before they got engaged, but I was just in the begining stages of getting out of my abusive marriage and didn't speak up about how I truly felt. I've known him since I was 12 or 13, so it's not like any of this is overnight. I've had so many chances to be with him, and yet I never took him.
I've always loved him a lot, but I was never ready for anything other then friendship and maybe hooking up on the rare chance we saw each other. We met online (14 years ago, before the internet was what it is now) in a Mariah Carey chatroom. I pretended to be related to her (cut me some slack I was 12), and had him going for awhile. It was just meant to be a joke, just something my friends and I did one day when bored. It got way out of hand so I tried to make him believe i was dying. His mom called my parents and the truth came out.
Some how he forgave me and we went on with our friendship. Totally random. I can't believe an immature prank my friends and i pulled ended up getting me now one of my oldest friends.
We didn't even meet until I was 18 (he was just shy of 21), but i was going through some crazy on and off stuff with my boyfriend of the time. I had gotten pregnant by my ex and aborted right before seeing him so I wasn't really in the right frame of mind. But I had very strong feelings for him then and it scared the hell out of me, so I pulled back. After that we went through some on and off talking (I was a mega bitch back then), and didn't each other again until about 2ish years ago. I was dating my now future 2nd ex husband and he was dating the girl he's engaged to. We didn't spend much time together and it kinda felt like we were in different places.
But now things just seemed to click. I can't even explain what I felt for him. Maybe it's because we can't be together, I dunno. Ughh. Kinda felt like "The notebook", at the very end when they finally see each other again after all those years. Sounds totally crazy, I know.
Life is cruel lol.

Ramble

My daughter and I are sharing a bed at the hotel we're at. We have a king sized bed, but yet she gives me 4 inches to sleep on. No matter how many times I move her over in the middle of the night, I always wake up a few hours later hanging off the bed and without covers. Sometimes I'll just get up and move to the other side, but without fail she inches her way over there.
To say im excited to get back in the house is an understatment! My house looks AMAZING, im shocked but how great its turning out. Making me feel like this month and a half of being homeless was worth it. I mean I knew it would be, but still it's neat to see the reward for all this stress.
Tomorrow will be nuts. I have to drive an hour and a half to a larger city to pick out my new front door, and the bathroom counter tops. Since i'll be there im going to go ahead and buy my daughters new bedroom, and maybe some new living room furniture and dining room table. Then I have to haul ass back to my town for my doctor Appointment. And somewhere in there I need to switch hotels! Thats a lot for one day!

Umm

I hope i'm just over reacting or it's just stress but I started spotting today. I was kinda caught off guard today because AF never comes early, sometimes late but never that I can remember early. But I kinda wrote it off because it's only by a few days. The only time i've spotted is during my pregnancy with my daughter (i've been pregnant more then once), and that was a few days after AF was due.
I've been under a ton of stress lately so I hope it's that. I'm remodeling my house and have been traveling all over the US for the last month and a half, someone I care about is dying, i'm putting my house on the market and selling right after the remodel is done, maybe moving out of the country, and i've made some diet changes. I'm pretty sure I ovulated before I had unprotected sex so I mean I couldn't be pregnant, right?
I'm in a whole lot of trouble if I did turn out to be pregnant, which makes me even dumber for even taking the chance.
1- I slept with 2 different guys within days of each other.
2- Im already a single mom, I have little sanity already.
3- I'm getting divorced, FL will not grant me a divorce while pregnant.
4- I had a horrible pregnancy with my daughter, should that happen again I dont know what i'd do. I wasn't even able to care for myself let alone another person.
5- Im moving out of the country. I know USVI isn't a 3rd world country or anything but I want the best health care I can get.
6- This sounds either selfish or im making a joke out of it (which im truly not) but im enjoying my daughter being out of the baby phase. I like not having to buy or change diapers, sleeping the whole night through, and all the other stuff that comes along with babies. Im not ready for that baby phase again.

I don't even know what i'd do. So until I find out otherwise im just going to assume it's from stress and change of diet.

My daughter is still sick :( But she seems to be getting a little better. Breaks my heart every time she tries to talk. She's a big talker so resting her voice isn't something she'll do.
Besides being slightly freaked out im feeling so much better now. I talked to my old pastor which helped a lot. He's such an awesome guy to talk to even though he's well into his 70s. You would think he understand nothing about my life but he totally gets everything. I guess it helps that he was my moms foster dad for a few years and I've known him since the day I was born. My mom (who passed away when I was young) looked up to him very much, so I try to imagine that any advice from him is what my mom would tell me if she were here. So im not going to try and be a better person, Iam going to be a better person. No more bad judgement.

Lost

I'm searching for something or someone in life and I have no idea who/what it is. Theres something missing. I make these bad choices because I want to be loved and don't know a healthy way of going about it. I need to work through these issues before I even think about getting with someone else. I want to be happy, I want to be madly in love, I want to be a good person. I just don't know how to go about it. I've had 1 relationship that most would consider healthy, and that was when I was 15/16. So that's what i've thought about all last night.
I think I need to get back into church. Not only for me but I think it would be good for my daughter. I think i'll call my old pastor today and have a talk with him, because I can't live like this anymore.
On a different note I'm going to the doctor on Monday, since i've had unprotected sex it will give me some peace of mind to know im STD free and not pregnant. Plus since im leaving the country on the 11th, best to know im healthy. I also have to taken my daughter because she's feeling a bit under the weather. I think it's just a nasty cold, and i'm willing to bet she'll be better by Monday but still best to be safe.
Also my divorce (I promise to explain things a bit more) from hubby #2 should be final much earlier then I thought. Because hubby #2 never changed his info over from FL he can file there instead of us waiting a year here in NC. We have no kids together, and have a pre-nup so theres nothing to really fight about. It should be over by the end of July! This takes a huge weight off of me.
Why i'm in my mid 20s and going through divorce #2-
Parents didnt approve of first marriage. Got divorced right away. Got pregnant from a 1 night stand. Even bigger embarassment to parents. Pushed into a relationship with someone I didn't love, but my parents liked him and he was good with my daughter. Married after a year of dating. Hit me 5 months into the marriage. Abuse got worse so I left. Thats why at such a young age im going through divorce #2.
Life is crazy...

Well that stinks!

So I had a blog started over at Thoughts.com but it's not letting me sign on! So I shall start over here.
Why am I not putting this in my LJ blog? Well this is going to be super personal, and i've learned the hard way most people can't be trusted. I want to only be able to talk about everything I think/feel/and have done. LJ has pretty much just turned into what im up to and nothing very juicy. Same with MySpace. After the whole LJ Bryan Im sure anyone reading this would understand.
Where to even start... My life is in chaos right now. I don't even know where to begin.
I feel like I'm holding onto what little sanity I have left. I was out at a resturant a few days ago that had this quote on there napkins (so corny I know) "In each of us, two natures are at war – the good and the evil. All our lives the fight goes on between them, and one of them must conquer. But in our own hands lies the power to choose – what we want most to be we are."
As dumb as this sounds it really hit home with what im going through right now. I really want to be a good person. I don't want to do bad things, set a bad example for my daughter, or do things I know in my heart are wrong. Yet I can't stop myself from doing them. I do things that not only hurt myself and could hurt many people around me. I do things that could ruin others lives. But yet I go on doing them.
I feel like such a POS right now for what i've done. Theres no excuse for my actions. And the thing is even though I feel crappy for doing it and I know it's wrong, I'd do it again :(
I just keep making poor choice after poor choice. I slept with someone I consider to be one of my best and longest friends, who also just got engaged, days after getting into a new relationship with someone else. It was also unprotected sex, within days of each other... I have a daughter, I can't do shit like that. I don't really consider either a 1 night stand and im pretty sure both are STD free, but still. Im old enough to know better, even in my crazy party years I knew better then to do that.
I feel horrible for sleeping with guy #1 (the one thats engaged) because im truly happy he's getting married. I know how much he's wanted this and besides sleeping with me he's an awesome guy. Whenever I see a pic of him and his fiance I think how cute they are together. I don't want to take that away from either of them.
Then guy #2, God where to even start there! Guy #2 was my first husband, my first real love. I know he loves me and wants to be with me but I just don't feel the same. But by sleeping with him i've given him a false hope. I have put this guy through hell. He was really close to getting engaged and then here I come thinking I want to get back together and fuck that all up. After spending some time with him I see I don't really want to be with him.
I love both dearly, but don't really want to be with either, yet i fuck with their lives. I sound like a homewreckering, cheating, slut! And thats how I feel.
This isn't the type of role model I want to be to my daughter. I need to get my act together quickly!
Im still debating if I should really go to the USVI or not. I have my tickets but I feel like all im doing is running away from my problems (which is the norm for me). When things get unbearable I just leave.
I'm trying my hardest to be positive right now and just look on the bright side but it's hard when I feel like such a huge POS. I'm sure I sound crazy.