Last night was hell. I think I got maybe an hour of sleep. I had to go back to the doctor this morning to talk about my options. I thought there was a waiting period but I guess not, I go in tomorrow (my 26th b-day) to end my pregnancy. So now i've gotten pregnant on my b-day (with my daughter) and ended a pregnancy on my b-day. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my b-day @@. If I don't do it now then I wont do it. My heart says dont do it, but my brain says you have to, but i dont know how much longer that will last. It just feels like the wrong thing.
Could I be a single mom of 2 kids? I didnt know if I could do it with my daughter and here iam. I may not be the best mom but i do try. Its weird because I knew from the moment I got pregnant with my daughter that i would keep her, but I wasn't in love with her like Iam this child. I never felt a bond with her until I gave birth. I feel such a bond with this one already, all I want to do is protect him/her. It's such an indescribable feeling. I felt a bond the instant I was told I was pregnant. It didnt make it any less scary, but it was slightly comforting. I know this is all sorts of wrong, but both of the guys I was with want me to abort. What if I just cut off contact with them, moved to the USVI? God that sounds crazy. I want to protect everyone, I want life to go on as normal for them, but what about me? I've been thinking about everyone else but what about whats best for me. It would really be a win win. They could not only go on as normal but have me out of their lives. All I seem to do is fuck things up for people. And how would my ex even know I was pregnant? Unless they made me take a pregnancy test theres no way anyone would know. It could be final in just a few weeks, so i'd be in the clear with that.
Every hour that goes on I get closer and closer to not going forward with this. I know what im thinking is crazy, and not the right way of going about things. I watched a show awhile back about this guy trying to find his father. The mother never told the guy she was pregnant because she didnt want to ruin his life. But it turns out the guy was an awesome guy and would of stepped up. But I remember sitting there thinking what a bitch this lady was from keeping her child from his father. I know she meant well, but it was still shitty. But if it were between life and death would what she did be so crappy? If that was the only way that child could live, wouldnt that be better then aborting? I have a little over 24 hours to make up my mind.