How can someone who is such an awesome friend be such a crappy father? I dont get it. My daughters father is amazing to me, he's good to our daughter but not in a fatherly type of way. Like a big brother or uncle type of way. He gives the best advice and can make me smily even when something horrible happens. I totally lost it for a moment and freaked out. Thank God for him. I feel so unworthy of someone so awesome. He desnt agree or disagree with what i feel is best which helps. Last thing i want to do is talk to someone who tells me what should be done. He's going to come and help me and be there for me when the time comes. I've never had any be there for me, ever during an abortion/miscarriage or when i carried my daughter to term. He wasn't there for me during my pregnancy with my daughter. Maybe he's trying to make up for it, i dont know. But no one has ever been there. The first time my ex was at the doctors office with me but only because i had to have a ride after and he wanted to make sure i went through with it. He wouldn't come back and hold my hand during the exam, or stay with me when it was time to take the 2nd pill. I know guy #2 would laugh in my face if i asked him to be there for me, and while guy #1 is a good guy, i dont think he'd be there either. Im pretty sure deep down he wants nothing to do with me and any feelings he did have have changed. So thank God for my childs father. How would I care for my daughter when it was time to take the 2nd pill? Who would drive me home from the doctors? It's so much more then just needing comfort. He was so calm and didn't freak out at all. Most likely shock, but still it helped. But he also wasn't all poor you, you poor thing. Which is not what I want at all. I have to talk to someone about it or else its going to eat me alive like before. I totally lost my mind before. The day I went to get the first pill , that night was a huge party at a friends house. My boyfriend expected me to go and act like nothing was wrong. It was the oddest feeling to walk through the door, have everyone know what was going on but go on like nothing happened. Not that i wanted everyone to treat me differently but it was just weird. Everyone was the same as they were the week before, yet i was a totally different person trying to be me old self. I dont think people get that just because its physically over doesnt mean someone is over it. I can handle death, i cant handle being the cause of it.
Im very scared of turning back into who I was after my first. Im scared i'll wake up the day after having it done and regret it. Im scared i'll not only lose my child but someone i consider to be a bestfriend. I think i could go on all night listing what im scared of.
I think I have a good idea who the father is, it explains a few things. I can't even tell a friend or write them down because i never want that to get out. I think its best they both think theres that chance it wouldnt be theirs.
I already love this child so much, sometimes i'll lose myself in a good thought and forget whats going to happen.