Truth

I've an important lesson today: no matter how much I tell myself something, or blog about not wanting it, it doesn't mean thats how I truly feel. I've been lying to myself.
In one of my blogs I said something about not wanting to be with Guy #1 (the engaged guy) and thats so far from the truth. We have a connection like you wouldn't believe. It's something i've never felt before, for anyone and it kinda scares me that I wont find that again and will have to settle with 2nd best. I do really want him to stay with his fiance but I also want him to be with me. I wish I could just split him in half lol.
I wan't to marry him, I want to have his kids, I want to be the one he comes home to everyday. And it majorly sucks that it will never work out like that. And if it did I think we'd both feel guilt by being together (because it would hurt so many people). She sounds like a really nice person.
What kills me is I had a chance before they got engaged, but I was just in the begining stages of getting out of my abusive marriage and didn't speak up about how I truly felt. I've known him since I was 12 or 13, so it's not like any of this is overnight. I've had so many chances to be with him, and yet I never took him.
I've always loved him a lot, but I was never ready for anything other then friendship and maybe hooking up on the rare chance we saw each other. We met online (14 years ago, before the internet was what it is now) in a Mariah Carey chatroom. I pretended to be related to her (cut me some slack I was 12), and had him going for awhile. It was just meant to be a joke, just something my friends and I did one day when bored. It got way out of hand so I tried to make him believe i was dying. His mom called my parents and the truth came out.
Some how he forgave me and we went on with our friendship. Totally random. I can't believe an immature prank my friends and i pulled ended up getting me now one of my oldest friends.
We didn't even meet until I was 18 (he was just shy of 21), but i was going through some crazy on and off stuff with my boyfriend of the time. I had gotten pregnant by my ex and aborted right before seeing him so I wasn't really in the right frame of mind. But I had very strong feelings for him then and it scared the hell out of me, so I pulled back. After that we went through some on and off talking (I was a mega bitch back then), and didn't each other again until about 2ish years ago. I was dating my now future 2nd ex husband and he was dating the girl he's engaged to. We didn't spend much time together and it kinda felt like we were in different places.
But now things just seemed to click. I can't even explain what I felt for him. Maybe it's because we can't be together, I dunno. Ughh. Kinda felt like "The notebook", at the very end when they finally see each other again after all those years. Sounds totally crazy, I know.
Life is cruel lol.