luck

Im pregnant. I cant believe I even just typed that. I need to get everything im feeling out of me before I do something bad. I have to keep almost everything in side because my daughter is always with me, all I want to do is freak out right now. I want to scream and just not be here. What the fuck was i thinking? who the fuck does the shit that i do? Im the shittiest mother in the world. I dont even deserve kids. There are so many women out there that would go to the end of the world and back to have a child yet cant. Then theres me. I might truly be the most fertile unworthy person. this is my 7th pregnancy. 7 fucking times.
I cant go on with this pregnancy. This will be the 3rd time i've ended a pregnancy. Theres not a day that goes by I dont think about the 2 I ended. A lot of times I sit and wonder why i let aubrey live, why her and why not them. What type of person ends their childs life? I feel like a murder. I am a murder. I swore to my self i'd never do this again, but i really have no other choice.
Im in total shock right now. I feel blank. I had no reaction when my doctor told me. And instead of being an adult and telling the guys I slept with I wrote something on facebook. WTF WAS I THINKING?!?! Now everyone wants to know whats going on and theres no one i want to talk about it with. Why in the world would i say something when i dont even want anyone to know? I must be crazy, that explains everything.
Im going tomorrow, the day before my b-day to talk about my options with my doctor and set up an appointment to murder my child. As a mother of a child i didnt kill it just feels so different then any other time. I have the urge to love and protect him/her but i know i cant. This child deserves so much better then me. My daughter deserves better. im an evil person, i hope i never get pregnant again.