Im going to have 80 blogs tomorrow morning, most likely i'll make them all private but i cant talk about this. Guy #2 hates me, as in wishes me dead hates me. Not because im pregnant but because i cheated on him, and with someone i swear i wouldnt. Guy #1, well he says he doesnt hate me now but how could he not. How could he not think im a slut. Today was awesome it felt so great to hear he felt the same way about me. And now.. This changes everything. This is so selfish to think about but i cant help it. My heart is broken and beyond repair. I would give anything to take back telling them. I shouldnt of said anything. Id still be heart broken but id have my friends and over time life would be back to normal. How could anyone love me when i'v done this to them? The shock is starting to where off and im starting to freak out. I've hurt my friends, im about to kill my own child, and i'll never be the same person i was yesterday. I'll never be whole. I'll never be able to make up my actions to my daughter. I'll never get over this guilt. I know this because i've been there before. Granted the first 2 times were very different from this.
I was 18, in a really immature relationship and my b/f said he's kill himself if i went on. The 2nd was a few months after that and i was not in the right frame of mind. I drank pretty much all day everyday, i had no job, i couldnt care for myself. Now im an adult, i have a child, i should be able to handle another. I can afford him/her. Its all petty things keeping me from stepping up. I dont want to hurt those around me, so i hurt my own child. Guy #1 kept telling me he has more to lose, as if this is just an object that doesnt matter to me. I will lose my child.