Maybe baby?

AF is due today and so far theres no sign of her! Im not testing until Greg gets here, but that should only be a few more hours :) I don't have any clear "signs" one way or the other. Im tired, and moody, which is normal for both pregnancy and PMS. I have a strong feeling its either going to be this month or take forever. I had that same feeling with my daughter. I thought i'd either have her early and she'd be more then willing to come out or I would go way overdue and she'd be a nightmare. I ended up being right (she came early) and guessed her weight perfectly (pounds and ounces). But im trying not to get my hopes up for it happening so soon, i'll be let down if it doesn't work out. Since I've been charting I think I have a good idea when I ovulate, so I should be able to get a BFP or BFN.
We've been thinking about names a little bit. I know its way early, but whatever. For a girl we know the middle name will either be Ann or Grace. Ann was my mothers middle name, and part of another family members name. Grace doesn't have much meaning, we both like the way it sounds.
Isabella or Isabelle, Emma, Mckenzie are the first names we like. I love love love love the name Emma Grace, so that's what im pulling for. My step-daughter is of course pulling for Isabella (so we can nick name her Bella lol). I do really like the name, but i'd imagine theres going to be a ton of Isabella's in the next kids age group. I've always like Mckenzie, I even thought about naming my daughter that. My parents hated the name, and when I saw my daughter for the first time I knew she wasn't a Mckenzie. Her name fits her perfectly. Greg likes them all. Kiddo likes the name Caylee, but Gregs kids are both C names and anything after 2 same letter names it becomes a bit duggarish. We could spell it with a K but I dunno.
We were going to go on vacation this weekend (finally found someone who likes vacationing as much as I do). But after a few people told me the place we wanted to go was nasty, we decided not to. It worked out because theres a family get together at his grandparents house in Millersburg, OH next week. So we'll be going to that. It's a huge Amish area, and he even has some Amish family. So should be a great time with them. Im sure there will be tons of kids kiddos age, tons of great food, lots of bon fires, music. We're staying at a hotel that has a spa, and i've found out gregs surprising me with a spa day, and full 24 hours kid free! I think because we never can be alone it makes me want him more then if we were alone. So im very excited for this.
Kidoo is now signed up for T-ball, gymnastics (at my first gym, im very excited about that), tap class, and swimming. She wants to do an arts and crafts class, violin, and choir but I think thats a bit much for a 3 and a half year old. T-ball doesn't run for very long because it's not really a team or anything, but teaching the basics. She does very well at gymnastics, and really enjoys it. I was super active in it growing up and am a bit bitter by some of it, but I always loved this gym and know they have good kids programs. She was taking ballet but that just wasn't her, so she's taking tap now. She loves it. And swimming because we feel its needed. We may have a pool or be near water in our next house so it's important she knows how to swim really well.
She's also signed up for pre-school. Going to the one I went to :) She starts in about a month!

Sleeping child

I love the rare days kiddo takes a nap. I have so much house work to get done, but instead im enjoying this rare chance to sit and be alone with a quite house. It's wonderful. Im looking forward to kiddo starting pre-school (which I had no idea is not the same as pre-K), A few hours a day all to my self :) I don't even know what to do with all that time! Well thats if we dont have another by then, then I guess i'd get no time lol.

Renting VS buying

Man there are sometime when renting forever seems like the best idea! It would be so much easier when something breaks to just call a landlord and let them deal with it. A drain was backed p in the house, and of course it chooses to crap out as 2 people are taking showers. It flooded my half bath and laundry room! Im pissed.

Nothing of importance

Okay okay so I know this blog is MY safe place and somewhere I should be 100% truthfull. We are not legally married. We have exchanged vows and do plan on making it legal but legally we are not married. :( We exchanged very personal vows and got each others names tattoed on us. I consider us married.
We will be having a large wedding at some point. We've thought about this fall but it's just to soon I think. As in not enough time to plan. We're still talking it over and need to make up our minds quickly if we're going to go for it or not.
On one hand i'd like to because I'd like for him to adopt kiddo, who knows if i'd be insanely pregnant next year, and im ready to make it legal. But on the other it's going to be so rushed, I want a huge massive wedding and I dont know it it can be pulled off in a few months, and Id like to lose weight.

I was watching http://www.youtube.com/user/TheKheinz and by the end I was sobbing my eyes out. I thought it was so sweet and such a neat way of making the wedding their own. I'd never have the guts to do something like that, but I thouhgt it was way neat and made me think about stepping out of the box. Im totally weird but i've never wanted a huge "fairy tale" wedding. Until now. Not so much a wedding, because in my eyes we're married, but just a huge party. I think its a huge feat we've found each other, and that should be celebrated! I want everyone to come and celebrate our love :) Dorky I know, but thats how I feel.
Im done doing things the way others feel they should be done. You have one life and should celebrate everything as much as possible. This is totally new to me.
Things are far from perfect, and im struggling a bit right now but im still going to keep my head up and try my best to not let life get me down.

Today has just been an off day. I know everyday can't be wonderful and perfect, thats just the way the world works. But it sucks when I can't shake these feelings. I feel horrible for Greg because he has been nothing but wonderful during my crazy moods. Im trying so hard to get over this but it just keeps coming back. I guess im just not trying enough. I have so many great things to be happy over yet I wont let go of the bad.
I guess I was a bit crazy for thinking all of this would go away so soon. But my heart is so broken. It's been horrible the last few days, I feel like an emotional nutcase. One minute everything is wonderful and I don't feel like life could get any better, then it feels like i've been hit by a truck and everything is craving in. And for no real reason. Ugh I think its just getting close to that time of the month.

Well this sucks

Im about to be caught in a lie, And I dont know if I should tell the person I lied to or just hope it never gets back to them. Its sort of a big lie and would really piss off the person I lied to. It's not really something I can keep forever and really should of been truthful from the start.

Off

God I hope im pregnant, and the way im feeling is because of that and nothing else. I feel really off lately. Not sure even how I would describe it. Lots of headaches, heartburn, dizziness, tired all the time, almost a drugged feeling. It very well could be all this traveling catching up to me. Whatever it is I don't like it. It kinda sounds like being pregnant, besides the whole feeling like being drugged. If I am pregnant, i've never felt that before (while sober). But its very possible I caught something and just feeling that.
Today I didnt get much done :( I just pretty much relaxed all day and slept. Greg and the kids have to go back to IN in a few days, while kiddo and I stay here to finish things up. Im very sad about being away from him for a few days, I dont like the idea at all.

Not as pissed

Im not as pissed today (or atleast trying not to be). It's not them being together that bothers me, it's that they lied about it for quite a long time. This has been going on since April! AND plus I KNOW for a fact he's cheated on her. So how in the world do I handle that? I mean it would look like im lying since I was pissed off and not okay with it. But she's also a friend and I dont want to see him hurt her. A few days after they started dating BD, A bunch of my guy cousins, kiddo and I all went camping at a campground. We had a motorhome and 3 or 4 tents. Anyways one of my cousins and BD picked up some girls they met a few hours earlier and hooked up with them. It's not hard to hear when someones being loud in a tent. I know no protection was used either. So I mean it's really almost a safety issue to tell her because he's nasty. I've also heard from him about hooking up with random chicks here and there. So do I rat him out? Talk to him about it? Never say a word? I don't know what to do.
Greg has been super supportive with it. It's nice to be able to not have any secrets with someone. He just listens and doesn't judge.

Stabbed in the back!

I'm truly unable to put into words how I feel right now. I found out 2 people Im very close with are dating each other. The girl is someone that over the last few weeks has went from a friend to a best friend. She's helped me out so much. AND the guy is my child father. Hello!!! Girl rule, you don't date your friends boyfriends,Exs, or baby daddy!! Even more so if that baby daddy had cost you $$$ in court costs just to be a dick, or not help out/ parent his child at all. You don't date yours friends dead beat baby daddy.
Why in the world would you think I think its okay. Dating him doesn't make you my kids step-mom, even more so when he has NO RIGHTS to his child. AND to think you have any input in MY life! Yeah I don't think so. If these were any other friends i'd be more then happy for them. I feel childish for feeling how I do, but it really bugs me. They only know each other through me.
On a positive note Greg and I have talked about him adopting my daughter :) Im all for it.

Home sweet home...Kinda.

So we're back in NC (yay). Everyone came back here because Greg is going to help me out on the house. He's been working non stop since we got here. Mainly little things like putting up a railing (which was way harder then I thought), hanging curtain rods, and making me a gate for the deck. I've been cleaning like crazy, and putting stuff away. Theres a few boxes that need to go to storage, and some trash that needs to be taken out, but other then that things are pretty much in order. The kids really like the house. Cassie pretty much lives in my closet and plays with all my bags and my pre-kiddo clothes. I think she's really excited to have me to back to school shop with, instead of her dad. I think her, Aubrey, and I might take an all girls trip over to Chicago before school. Greg and Cody do a father son camping trip every year right before school so it would be neat to have something like that for the girls.
I think we're pretty sure we're going to build a house. We have our eye on some land that we're dying to go and check out. 20 acres! That would give us a ton of room. I also think we're going to draw up our home plans ourself. Greg knows how to do that, so this will truly be OUR home. I have a good idea of what I want and Greg seems to like all my ideas so far. I'd really like a wrap around porch, upstairs laundry, pantry in the kitchen, large but well laid out kitchen, lots of storage room. I'd also love to have a huge garden. The only thing we disagree on is a pool. He wants one and I don't. I think because we can only use it a few months of the year that it's a waste of money, and I worry with small kids about safety. But he thinks it would be good for the kids and keep them at our house over the summer instead of somewhere else. Which is a good point. Im sure i'll lose that fight lol.
I just hope both home sell quickly so we're able to get on with it. My house is ALMOST ready to be put on the market, just a few more cleaning things to do and get the wallpaper up in the bath (the wrong one was ordered). And thats about it. Should be on the market the day the wallpaper goes up. I think my house will show well, im pretty proud of how its turned out. Just wish it would of been done awhile ago so I got to enjoy it more. I greatly enjoy entertaining and this is a great house for it.

Lots O fun!

We are having the best time down here! I feel like im really bonding with his kids and their all bonding with mine. The weather has been hot, but we've pretty much been in the water all day every day. Kiddo has learned how to hold her breath (she learned in FL but she's doing much better now), and with a life jacket she can go snorkeling. We've been doing a ton of that. Greg and I sometimes get out and just lay on the beach while the kids play in the water. It's been awesome, I never want to leave lol.
We're pretty sure I can get out of my lease, if someone else is wanting to rent it. I only signed a 6 month lease, so if it came down to it it's not like we'd lose a ton of money. I just have to pay until someone else wants it. We'll make do at his house until both homes sell and we figure out what we're doing for the next house.
We're either going to-
1- Build. We would get more bang for our buck since he could do some on his own and get stuff at a better cost. The floor paln and location will be 100% what we want and new. But it would take forever.
2- Remodel. We'd most likely get something we could add on to or just fix up inside. We'd most likely live there while fixing it up and it would never 100% be what we want.
3- Spend a ton of money to get something already built and ready to move in after closing.

I'd like to build. Because then we'll be able to get our dream home and even tho it would take awhile to build in the end we'd most likely never move. That would be it, which I love that idea. The kids could have more say in their rooms and we could build a really awesome house. Like kids rooms, i'd like for them to all have lofts in them, plus their own bathrooms. I'd like all bedrooms to have their own bathrooms. I HATED sharing a bath room with my brothers growing up. If we arent able to do a bathroom for every bedroom i'd atleast like the different genders to have their own. I'd also like an in-law suite, which is basically like a studio apartment. For guests and what not. I'd like an arts and crafts room, and of course the hubby wants a "man cave" plus media room. Sounds like a ton, but Greg can do a ton of work himself, and owns a construction company. So a lot of things will basically be done at cost.
At the end of the day I don't really care where we live. We could live in a dumpster behind walmart for all I care. I just want to be with him.
My step-sons 17 b-day is coming up in a few weeks and he REALLY wants a car. He's very mature for his age and without a doubt could handle having one. He thinks he's putting down half for an old beater car that barely runs, and I think i've talked Greg into getting a newer better car. At some point he'll have kiddo in the car and i'd like not to have to worry about them breaking down or something. Plus the kid is a straight A student, that should be rewarded! It's so cute, he made friends with a girl his age on vacation here as well and they've been hanging out non stop.
My step daughter will most likely get my x5 when she learns to drive. It really worked out that I bought a van, I wouldnt have enough room in my x5 for 4+ kids.

For the record im not crazy.

Posted in LJ as well.

Soooo its been awhile since i've updated, so I guess i'll take the time now to do so. First and foremost, im Married :) Nope not crazy, just living life in the moment. Im happier then anyone can ever know, and feel this is 100% the right choice. I know it seems super crazy and fast, but we made the right choice. We both knew we'd end up marrying each other so whats the point in waiting?
I had a talk with my Grandma right before my divorce that really hit me. She said "it took me 60 years to figure out there are no rules in life, once I knew that my life truly started". She also said " What difference does it make to anyone else if the choices you make are wrong, and whos to say they were wrong in the first place". That talk really made me think about my life and what I want from it.
So what if me getting married turns out to be a bad choice in a year, today im happy and that all that matters. I get how crazy it seems to meet and marry someone within a month, but those who have felt what I do right now would understand. I've been through some horrible relationships, I know a good thing when I see it. Greg is my soulmate, the 1 person im meant to be with. And i've never been a believer of soulmates, so for me to say that takes a whole lot.
I feel like every single things i've ever done or been through has led me to him. I know my feelings will never change for him. I get why people are worried and shocked, but really theres no reason to be. Those who know me IRL have been able to see how happy Iam, and that its not a front like last time.
SO thats that :) We're married, happy, and ready to our life as a family. The kids are all doing great (im a step mom to teens, lol whoa), they seem very happy we're married. My step daughter, Cassie, is so excited to have a little sister. You would never know they were only step siblings, all the kids are such a blessing.
Yes we are very actively trying for a baby, fingers crossed it'll happen this cycle (wont know until the very end of this month or early next). I want nothing more then to have a little home out in the country and have a million babies with this man :) God willing we'd like to have atleast 3 or 4 together. So I hope I have some happy news at the end of this month.
We dont have the whole living situation figured out yet. I have an apartment leased, and we're trying to get out of it. Greg only has 3 bedrooms and the house overall is to small for a family of 5 and i hope in 9 months a family of 6. Cassie has offered to share a room with kiddo, but I don't think thats very fair for her. It seems fun now, but at 14 sharing a room with a 3 year old would be annoying. Kiddo would drive Cassie nuts. I still need to sell my house in NC to be able to afford my share for a house, as would he. We've looked at a few and haven't seen anything thats really caught our eye in our price range, sooooo we're most likely going to remodel whatever house we buy :( So not excited to start that again. But Greg has a construction company, so it should be easier and cheaper. We'd like to have atleast 6 bedrooms (4 kid rooms, our room and a guest room), and either a one story house or all the rooms on one floor. We saw a ton of first floor masters which wouldn't work since we have a young child and at some point more kids.
Getting back on track, we're all in the USVI right now. Its amazing and we're having an awesome time. Im sunburned :( and not feeling so hot today. But making the best of it. We just finished breakfast (we're staying at the ritz and the food is amazing) and are going to head out for the day. I'll have more about our honeymoon/ 1st family vacation later.

Yuck

I feel so yucky right now! My allergies are really acting up. I feel like death :( It sucks big time. I've taken some meds but they make me feel really loopy and not there, and not in a good way lol.
I could be at a bon fire right now waiting for my love to come, but nope im here at my new apartment doing nothing. New guy is still coming, but I don't think we'll do much. We were going to go to a movie, but I don't really feel up for it. I think we'll just go over USVI plans :)
Speaking of new guy, things are still amazing :) I feel so blessed to have found him. I think this is the person i'll spend the right of my life with. Or atleast I hope. Im just so scared of it all going away. Its something i've never had before and I dont want to lose this. I think if he asked me to marry him tomorrow I would. Crazy, I know. I can't even put into words how amazing things are with him. We even have a song :) lol how cheesy is that! But I love it.
I love everything about him. Yep I said it, love. Things feel right. I feel like we've been together forever, but it hasn't even been a month. I get butterflies everytime he calls or comes over. I love how when its just us in the car, he'll hold my hand and start singing "our" song. Or how just randomly gets super romantic. I love the way he kisses me. I love how when im with him I forget about any other guy i've ever been with or liked. No other guy matters when im with him. When im with him it's like all the bad relationships never happened. Like im a teenager again and he's my first love.
It goes against all logic, but I think thats the fun of it. Makes me feel better just talking about him. And whats even weirder is everyone is being so supportive. I kinda hinted at how I felt to my dad and he said to just follow my heart and if I feel its right then go for it. Thats a huge deal for my dad to say that! He hasn't even seen us together, and has never said anything like that to me! Im just taking it as a sign.

Pooped

Man I feel like taking a 2 week nap! I'm so tired it's not even funny. We got home today and the house looks amazing. Worth all the money and stress put into it. I enjoy being in it now. I think what I like the most is my stairs! When I bought the house it had carpet on the stairs, and im not really a carpet kinda gal. I wanted to have hardwood but when everything was being priced and it came way over what I wanted to spend, I had to cut that idea. Well when pulling up the carpet we found that I had amazing unfinished pine treads! Score! So they finished them for me. There a little woren looking, like something you would find in an older home. But I love them. Im really into shabby chic kinda stuff, and my dream house would be fixing up an old farmhouse. So I love that they don't look like we went down to Lowes hardware and bought them.
I, with no help, put together some deck furniture (im very proud of myself). It needed to be done before tomorrow so right after getting in I got down to business lol. Tomorrow will be insane, the next 2 weeks will be insane.
Sunday we leave for the north to visit with new guy and get into my new apartment. We stay there until the 10th, when we fly down to FL. THEN as if that weren't enough New guy and I are taking all the kids on vacation. I still have my USVI tickets and was talking to him about still going down there, cashing them in, or saving them. He said why don't we all go, so that's what we're doing. We're figuring out hotels and such tonight. Im very excited, it's been years since I went. It's going to be a much needed vacation with someone who's company I really enjoy. Plus its a great way for me to get to know his kids a bit more.
Im thinking about taking his daughter to the spa or shopping, and maybe going fishing with his son. Something that I could get to know them one on one. I want to do stuff with them that they enjoy.
It's really weird dating someone with older kids, which I assume is what it's like for someone without kids to date someone with kids. I have a 3 year old, so I haven't gone through the first day of school yet, the sex talk, dating, learning to drive, the crazy pre-teen years.

Ticks and seafood

My contractor told me today that I have the worst tick problem he's ever seen (in my yard). I thought it was normal for the area and just avoided my yard at all costs. Which is a HUGE reason im looking forward to selling. My daughter can not play in our yard at all. After mowing my lawn the guy found 7 ticks on him! Now I have a very small yard, it maybe takes 20 mintues to mow everything. Thats a ton of ticks! I grew up playing in the woods and corn fields and had only found 1 tick on myself ever until I moved here. I live in town, but my house does back up to some woods, and the house to my right has found a loop hole in rules and has declared their yard a nature perserve, so it's totally over run. This is most likely where my tick problem is coming from. This is also where my mice problem is coming from.
I have a nice house! I take care of my yard, I keep up to date on repairs and such. I should not have these issues. The city has fined them countless times, but yet they do nothing. We spray and everything but the suckers just keep coming back. I have no idea what to do.
And the really funny part is the wife will go out and weed around the driveway. Like really you think pulling a few weeds does anything? Why waste your time!
I think when it's to the point that my child can't use our yard because of the ticks it's gotten out of hand. I wont have any yard in the apartment, but atleast I don't have to deal with this!!


I'm going back home tomorrow. My daughter is a queen for a local pageant and gets to ride in the parade for the 4th :) So we'll so doing that bright and early, then grilling lunch for some friends, after lunch we head to a festival and then fireworks at night. Im making grilled lobster, steamed king crab legs, burger/hot dogs, corn on the cob, rice, pudding, fruit salad, home made potato chips, home made salsa, and pumpkin cake. I know a bit outof season for pumpkin cake, but it's one of the best things I make and it was a request. We're also doing homemade popsicles for the kids.
Im so excited to be entertaining, and that everyone wanted seafood! Should be awesome.

D-day

Something to add to the ironicness (okay I know thats not a word) of last night was that it was my 2 year wedding anniversary. How random to watch a movie about divorce the day before you get divorced which also happens to be your anniversary.
Anywho, today went of fine. No real drama to report. Everyone was civil, no name calling. We both got what we wanted so it's time to move on. For the record new guy did not come with me, I felt it would be disrespectful and just upset my ex. He was agreeing to what I wanted so there was no need to press buttons and flaunt my relationship. I had a couple of people ask me that today, so I just wanted to get that out there.
Besides that today was pretty boring. I didn't want to have anything planned, since I had no idea how long it would take, so new guy and my cousin (he came down here with him) went deep sea fishing. Kiddo went to the beach with one of my aunts, and afterwards I came back to my Grandparents and just hung out in bed. Once everyone came back we went out to dinner at this cute little seafood place on the channel. Afterwards new guy, kiddo and I went to the beach for sunset and took a really long walk. Despite what happened today it was one of the happiest moments i've ever had. Everything feels so right with him. I do wish his kids could of been there.
Ahh i've got so much ahead of me. Everything has been moved back into my house, and now I have to sort it and figure out what goes where. I have to move. I have to get my house on the market. It's like a never ending list of stuff. It's times like this that being a kid sounds like so much more fun then being an adult.
LOL I remember being 16/17 and thinking how amazing being an adult will be. You can go anyplace at any time. Everything is legal. Theres no way in the world i'd ever miss being a teen. What they don't tell you is with being able to go where ever you want and have things be legal comes a whole lot of not so fun stuff. It all seemed so effortless. I lost my car keys once as a teen, all I had to do was tell my dad and he figured out how to get me a new set (okay they weren't really lost, I knew where they were, it was just getting to the bottom of the ocean that was the issue). Ugh Im going to bed im drained.